Timeless 15
by jakesgirl1001
Summary: Part 15 of the 18 part timeless story of Sam and Jake
1. Chapter 1

**TIMELESS 15**

**Chapter 1**

"Jake! Jake!" Sam screamed. "No, Jake please!"

There was no answer. Still Sam screamed his name over and over again.

She dropped her phone as she curled into a ball on the floor of the dorm room she shared with Jen. The pain was excruciating. It choked her. It knocked the breath from her. Yet, still she screamed out his name.

She couldn't breathe. Her sobs choked her. She had betrayed the man she loved. How could she betray Jake? There was no other man for her besides him. She never even noticed other men besides Jake, yet here she had cheated on him.

How? Oh how could she do this to Jake?

Sam heard the pounding on the door from some of the other girls on her dorm floor. She lay where she was and alternated between sobbing, screaming and wailing. The only thing she cared about was Jake and what she had done to him.

Sam knew him well enough to know that he would never forgive her for betraying him like this. Jake believed in loyalty. She had thrown that loyalty in his face by betraying him with that, that…

Sam loathed herself. How could she even think of betraying Jake with that awful…

Sam had always disliked Craig. To cheat on Jake with him…

The sobs came anew. They wouldn't stop. Great sobs shook her body as she lay there.

She had lost him. She knew she had lost him. She didn't know why she had done what she had done, but she had. She felt it in her body. She had betrayed the love of her life.

"Jake, oh Jake!" Sam wailed.

She lay there and cried until her body had nothing left to cry. Then she vomited as she lay curled up in the fetal position. She didn't move as her body jerked and heaved until there was nothing left in her stomach.

She could smell herself knowing she lay in piles of vomit, but Sam didn't care. The only thing she cared about was she had betrayed her fiancée. The man she loved above all else.

"Ja-a-a-ake," Sam sobbed.

The screams weren't as loud as before. The sobs weren't as powerful. There was nothing left to her. She had destroyed herself. She had destroyed him. She had destroyed their love.

She hiccupped as she choked on his name. Her body was still trying to vomit, but there was nothing there. Her body was a shell. The person she had been yesterday was gone. There was nothing left, nothing.

She had betrayed the man she considered to be her husband. He'd never forgive her. She'd never forgive herself.

She lay shivering. She was cold, so cold. This is what death felt like. Sam welcomed the death, begged it to find her. She was dead. She was dead.

The door burst open, hitting her. She didn't flinch. She was in so much pain, a little more didn't register.

"Sam?" Jen's alarm was evident in her voice.

She took in her best friend lying in piles of vomit and who knew what else. The smell was disgusting and overpowering.

"My gosh, what happened?" Jen bent over her friend, ignoring everything except for Sam.

"Is she all right?" Jen heard someone ask.

"Should I call 911?" someone else asked.

Jen knew something was severely wrong with her friend.

"Eric?" Jen called and Eric came in the dorm room.

"I need help getting her up," Jen told him.

Eric ignored the mess that Sam was lying in and picked her up.

"Let's get her in the shower," Jen said and he carried her towards the bathroom, putting her in the tub once Jen started running the hot water.

"Help me get these clothes off," Jen told him, ignoring the keening sound escaping from Sam.

Eric helped peel the disgustingly dirty, smelly clothes from Sam, not seeing the nakedness. All he saw was a young woman in agony.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Jen sat on the toilet seat next to the bathtub as the hot water fell on her friend. Sam's head was bowed as the water hit her. Her body was shaking as she continued to choke out sobs.

Eric had left, telling Jen he would go back to the frat house to change before coming back. Jen had barely acknowledged him as she tended to her friend.

Jen decided to wait out Sam and just sat next to her, patting her shoulder in encouragement. Jen had never seen Sam like this.

Obviously it had something to do with Jake, since it was his name Sam kept sobbing. If that moron hurt her, he'd have to answer to Jen!

Finally Jen noticed that the water was getting cold.

"Do you want me to help you out of the tub, Sam?" Jen asked quietly.

"Jake," Sam barely squeaked out, her voice rough from vomiting and from all the crying she had been doing.

"What about Jake?" Jen asked, her voice barely a whisper.

"Jake," Sam sobbed again.

Jen looked up, seeing Eric back in the doorway. She nodded at him, letting him know she had seen him. Eric jerked his head towards Sam. Jen shook her head and shrugged. She still didn't know what had set all of this off.

Eric jerked his head towards the main room. Jen nodded again. He disappeared from the doorway.

"Sam, talk to me honey," Jen's voice was almost a coo.

"J-a-a-ake," Sam shivered, her teeth chattering.

"Did he hurt you?" Jen asked, her voice still low.

Sam shook her head.

"Let's get you out of that cold water," Jen said.

Sam shook her head again. She hiccupped as a new bout of sobs rolled over her.

Jen was wondering if she was going to have to call Sam's home and have someone come get her.

Jen leaned over, shutting off the water. Sam's sobs broke her heart. Not caring that her friend was naked, sitting in the bathtub soaking wet, Jen put her arms around Sam to comfort her.

Sam broke down. She wasn't sure where the renewed tears came from, but she sobbed on Jen's shoulder as her best friend rubbed her back and murmured to her like a baby.

"Please tell me what's wrong," Jen told her. "Maybe I can help."

"N-n-n-n-body can help me," Jen barely made out the words through Sam's sobs.

"You don't know that," Jen said.

Sam simply nodded. Her teeth were chattering again.

Jen turned and grabbed a couple of towels to wrap Sam in. Sam shook, her knees to her chest, her face pressed against her knees as she cried.

Jen tried towel drying Sam's wet hair, but it was difficult with Sam shaking so much, sobbing so much.

"I need to get you in bed," Jen told her friend.

Sam didn't respond. She continued to sob dryly. There was nothing left in her body.

There was nothing left in her soul. She had destroyed herself. She had destroyed Jake. She had destroyed the love that they had shared.

With a sound that made the hair stand up on the back of both Jen's and Eric's necks, Sam wailed out her misery.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

"She won't say what's wrong?" Eric asked quietly. He glanced towards the bed where his girlfriend's roommate curled in on herself, shaking so bad that the bed was moving.

"All she'll say is Ely's name," Jen answered. "So help me, if he's hurt her..." She broke off.

"Should I call him?" Eric wondered.

"I should call him," Jen responded. "I should call him every name in the book if he's hurt her."

Eric couldn't help the smile despite the seriousness of the situation. He knew he was in love with Jen. They had declared themselves to each other last night before spending the night in his room at the frat house. It had been wonderful, but now with Sam like this, it all seemed a blur.

"I love you," Eric whispered.

Jen smiled softly, standing straighter so she could kiss him. "I love you too."

"I had a wonderful time last night," Eric said.

"So did I," Jen kissed him again. "I need to find out what happened."

Eric nodded. "Do you want me to stay?"

"I think she'll reveal more if you're not here," Jen told him.

"Trying to get rid of me already?" Eric teased.

"Never," Jen said seriously.

Eric nodded, glad to hear her declare herself this morning.

"Call me if you need me," Eric told her, meeting her lips with his.

"I'll call you either way," Jen's mouth was soft under his.

Eric nodded again and left.

Jen sighed, remembering all that had happened between them, a soft smile on her face. Then she spied Sam still shivering in her bed and the smile disappeared. She went to sit next to Sam on the bed, her hand touching, stroking the wet hair, her friend's back.

"What happened, Sam?" Jen asked again.

Sam's bottom lip trembled. To Jen she looked almost catatonic.

"I-I-I ch-ch-cheated on J-J-J-Jake," Sam's voice was barely a whisper. Jen had to bend down to hear her.

The words shocked Jen. She had to cover her mouth with her hand so no sound escaped.

Oh my gosh! This was worse than she had thought.

"What do you mean?" Jen removed the hand over her mouth to ask.

"I-I-I ch-ch-cheated," Sam was still shaking.

"With another man?" Jen barely whispered.

Sam nodded her head.

Jen sat back in shock. This couldn't be happening. No way Sam would ever cheat on Jake. No way in the world. She loved him too much to even look at another man.

"Are you sure?" Jen asked.

Sam started blubbering Jake's name again and Jen took that to mean that she was sure. Oh dear God! Jen put a hand over her eyes trying to block out the image of her friend lying in her own vomit and now lying on her bed shaking.

"You told Jake," Jen didn't ask.

"J-J-Jake," Sam's wail tore at Jen's heart. "J-J-Ja…." Sam couldn't finish, she was sobbing and keening again.

The sound made the hairs on Jen's neck stand up again and she shivered as the goosebumps covered her skin. Jen didn't like Jake, but she knew him well enough to know he wouldn't forgive Sam for this. He must have told her so.

Jen caught a sob before it could escape. This could kill her friend. The guilt and the loss of Jake could actually kill her friend.

Jen felt at a loss. She didn't know what to do to make this go away. If she could make this go away.

This was not something that Sam was going to get over any time soon. Jen was suddenly very afraid. Very afraid for her friend's health and very very afraid for her friend's well being.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

"She said she cheated on Jake," Jen whispered to Eric later while on the phone. Sam was finally sleeping, though fitfully, on her bed.

"I was afraid of that," Eric said in her ear. "I know with who."

"Who?" Jen yelped, glancing over her shoulder towards the bed.

"Craig," Eric told her. "He's been bragging about it all day, apparently. I thought it was just BS until now."

Jen called Craig a name under her breath. She heard the soft chuckle of Eric.

"It's not funny," Jen snapped.

"I know," Eric was repentant. "It's not like you to call someone that."

"I'll call him a lot worse before I claw his eyes out the next time I see him," Jen declared.

Eric didn't doubt it. Jen and Sam were fiercely protective of each other.

"I cannot believe of all people to cheat with, she did so with him," Jen shuddered.

"She had to have been drunk," Eric said.

"She said she wasn't," Jen defended her friend.

"How would she know if she were drunk?" Eric reasoned.

Jen sighed. "This is going to kill her, Eric."

"She's strong," Eric responded. 

"She's not this strong," Jen argued. "Jake was everything to her. This is going to kill her."

"Is there anything I can do?" Eric asked.

Jen sighed. "No."

"I'll do anything I can," Eric told her. "I'll call Jake. Maybe he'll give her another chance."

"You don't know him like I know him," Jen was shaking her head. "There is no way he'll ever forgive her this."

"I'm sorry Jen," Eric murmured. "I hate that our first time together is tainted like this."

"It's not tainted," Jen assured him. "I love you and I love what we did last night. Right now though, I'm concerned for Sam."

"I understand," Eric said. "I don't want what's going on to hurt us."

"It won't," Jen let him know. She glanced over her shoulder to see Sam sobbing again. "I need to go. She's woken up and needs me."

"Call me if you need me," Eric said again.

"I will, I promise," Jen replied, hanging up her cell phone.

She rushed back to Sam.

"What can I do, Sam?" Jen asked her friend.

Sam just sobbed.

"You need to eat something," Jen told her.

Sam shuddered.

Jen sighed again. She was out of her element here. She didn't know what to do.

Jen decided to call Jake. Maybe she could convince him that it wasn't hopeless. That the two of them could work it out.

Jen got up from the bed again, dialing her phone as she did.

"I'm sorry, this number has been disconnected," the metallic woman's voice informed her.

Jen looked at the phone in her hand in confusion. She dialed it again and received the same message.

Oh gosh, Jake had disconnected his phone! The only reason he would do that was so that Sam couldn't contact him. This was going to knock her for a loop when she found out.

What else was her friend going to have to deal with? She had cheated on her fiancé with a scumbag, now that fiancé had disconnected his phone. Jen didn't want to tell Sam.

Jen was very, very afraid for her friend.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

Days passed and Sam didn't improve. She lay on her bed just hugging herself, either sobbing or murmuring Jake's name.

Jen hated to leave her, but she was in danger of flunking out of her classes if she didn't attend and get her work done. She made arrangements to have someone sit with Sam while Jen was unable.

The most Sam would do was take little bits of water. She wouldn't eat, even when Jen threatened to shove the food down Sam's throat.

Sam's eyes were sunk in her face, the dark circles the most noticeable thing about her right now. She got out of her bed to use the bathroom. That was all. Otherwise, she lay there, rocking herself, sometimes keening to herself.

Jen was worried. She talked to Eric about calling Sam's family. Eric didn't think it was that time yet. He still hoped that Sam would come around soon. Jen wasn't so sure.

She didn't think Sam would ever come around. Eric had no idea how much Jake had meant to Sam. Eric hardly knew his cousin. Jen did. There would be no compromises on Jake's part.

"Sam, if you don't start eating something, I'm going to call your father," Jen threatened her best friend a few days later.

Sam's eyes focused for a moment on Jen.

"I mean it," Jen told her, standing over her with her hands on her hips. "I brought you some soup. Please eat it."

"I'm not sure I can without puking," Sam whispered, her voice low and rough.

Jen bet her throat was raw with all the crying.

"Just a little," Jen urged.

Sam shut her eyes again and sighed deeply. Jen took that as encouragement and brought the container of soup over, sitting next to Sam again on the bed.

"I'll help you," Jen promised, taking the lid off the container.

They both heard Sam's stomach growl at the aroma. Jen waved the lid of the container towards Sam, hoping to entice her some more.

Sam's eyes flicked to Jen's.

"Is this working?" Jen asked.

Sam groaned, but tried to sit up. Jen tossed the lid on the floor and grabbed Sam's arm, helping her friend to sit.

"Thank you," Sam murmured.

"Nada," Jen responded. "You need to eat a little Sam."

Jen dipped the spoon in the soup and held it out to Sam. Sam opened her mouth and Jen put the spoon in Sam's mouth. She saw and heard Sam swallow.

"Good," Jen nodded, dipping the spoon in the soup again. She held the spoon out and Sam opened her mouth and swallowed again.

"I know you're hurting right now, but Sam you need to take care of yourself too," Jen's voice was sympathetic.

She saw the tears well up in Sam's eyes.

"How could I do that, Jen?" Sam's lips trembled.

"I don't know, honey," Jen said honestly.

Sam put her hands over her face as she cried. Jen put down the soup, taking her friend in her arms, letting her cry.

Sam's crying wasn't the hysterical tears of before. To Jen it seemed they were more of the cleansing type. She hoped so.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

"You can't leave school," Jen insisted days later.

"I don't really have a choice now," Sam shrugged. "I've missed too much work to catch up."

"You missed a lot of school when you were injured by Linc's horse," Jen reminded her.

"High school," Sam pointed out. "You brought my work home for me."

"I'll do that now if it helps," Jen said. "Sam, you can't quit."

"I don't want to do this anymore," Sam sighed.

Jen knew she meant it. She had seen Sam's confidence and initiative wane since Jake had broken up with her. Jen knew that Sam realized that their relationship was over.

Sam had tried calling Jake only to get the same message that Jen had gotten. Jake was now out of Sam's life. Unfortunately, Sam was having a very hard time with that reality.

"What will you do?" Jen asked. "Go back to Nevada?"

"No," Sam shook her head. "There's nothing there for me anymore. If I can't have Jake, I don't want to be there and see him with someone else."

"I doubt if he's dating anyone else," Jen told her.

"Not yet," Sam bit her lip to keep the tears inside.

"He's so shy," Jen reminded her. "I can't see him ever getting up the nerve to talk to another woman."

Sam shook her head sadly. It wouldn't matter. Jake would never forgive her for what she had done.

Sam would never forgive herself!

It would be best for her to just disappear. Lick her wounds and disappear.

"I'm worried about you," Jen murmured.

"I feel dead inside, Jen," Sam confessed. "Part of me is dead."

"Maybe we can explain…," Jen began.

"Explain what?" Sam yelped. "I cheated on him Jen." Sam shuddered. "I cheated on him. There's nobody to blame for what happened except me. There's no explaining any of this away. I cheated on the man I loved. My fiancée, my best friend…my brother." Her voice tapered off and Jen could hear the pain at the end.

Sam hung her head and the tears dripped off her chin.

Jen felt the tears well up in her own eyes at her friend's pain.

The two friends clung to each other as they cried.

"Where will you go?" Jen asked a little while later. The two women wiped their eyes the best that they could.

"San Francisco," Sam said. She raised her tear filled, bloodshot brown eyes to Jen's blue ones.

"Why there?" Jen wondered.

"I know that city best," Sam shrugged. "I've had photos published there. Maybe I can get a job at one of the papers."

"You've thought this through," Jen sighed.

"Yes," Sam nodded. "I can't stay here. I know the frat boys are talking about me and what happened. I can't see that person again. My skin crawls at even the thought that he touched me.

"I can't go back home. I couldn't stand to see Jake and not be with him. It would kill me to see him with anyone else."

"Oh Sam," Jen frowned, so sorry for her friend.

Sam wiped her eyes again, her tears flowing freely again.

"What about your family?" Jen wondered.

"I'll call them once I'm settled," Sam told her. "They'll try to talk me out of all this. I just can't, Jen."

"I know," Jen murmured, her heart breaking for Sam.

"This way he won't have to ever see me again," Sam went on, sniffling and wiping her eyes. "Maybe then he can find happiness one day."

"What about your happiness?" Jen had to ask.

"I don't deserve any happiness," Sam started sobbing again. "I ruined any happiness that I might have had."

The two friends held each other again, both sobbing out their grief.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

Sam called her Aunt Sue when she reached San Francisco. Aunt Sue heard the sobbing woman on the phone and told Sam to come to her apartment immediately.

Aunt Sue opened the door to the soft knock a little while later and enveloped her niece in her arms. Taking Sam to the couch, Aunt Sue held the young woman she loved, holding her tightly to her chest as she cried herself out.

Through tear-filled words, with bouts of sobbing, Sam explained why she had left school and come to San Francisco.

"Oh Sam," Aunt Sue was full of sorrow. She had met and liked Jake, thinking he was perfect for her niece. To have this happen broke Aunt Sue's heart. "Maybe he'll contact you once he's had some time to think about it."

"He won't," Sam shook her head. "Jake is big on loyalty. He never wanted me going to those frat parties, but I did for Jen. I wish now I had listened to him. My life wouldn't be such a mess."

"You're still wearing his ring," Aunt Sue pointed out.

"Only because I wanted to get settled before sending it back," Sam sighed, looking down at her beautiful ring. She hated the thought of giving up her stunning ring. She knew she had to give it back. It wouldn't be right to keep it. She didn't deserve to keep it.

"You can stay here as long as you need to, dear," Aunt Sue told her. "On one condition though."

"I can't call Jake again," Sam shook her head. "He disconnected his cell phone."

"You could try getting the number where he's living from his family," Aunt Sue said.

Sam shook her head. "You don't know him like I know him."

Aunt Sue sighed in despair. She could see the changes in her niece already. The biggest difference was in her eyes. There was nothing there. No life. Just bleakness and darkness.

"Okay, but will you call your family?" Aunt Sue asked.

"I planned on it today," Sam admitted. "I wanted to get settled and get to the point where I won't cry so much when I explain."

The two women looked at each other. They both knew that point would never come.

That got Sam crying again and she tried to wipe her tears, but they came too quickly. Aunt Sue left to go into her bedroom, giving Sam a bit of privacy.

Sam flung herself down on the couch and cried until she had no tears left. When the tears ran out, her heartbreaking sobs filled the apartment, the sound tearing out the heart of her aunt.

Sam sounded so hopeless, so heartbroken. Aunt Sue knew there would be some very bad times ahead for her niece. It might take her years to get over this heartache, if she ever did.

Aunt Sue knew how much Sam loved Jake. She knew that her niece couldn't wait to become Jake's wife. This was so out of character for Samantha.

It broke Aunt Sue's heart as she ached for her niece.

When Sam had finally cried herself out, Aunt Sue came back into the living room with a cup of hot tea for Sam.

"Thank you," Sam tried to smile, but failed miserably. She wasn't sure she'd ever smile again.

"Do you want some privacy while you talk to Wyatt?" Aunt Sue asked.

"It doesn't matter," Sam's voice sounded so hopeless. "He's going to yell and tell me to come home. I'll refuse. We'll end up not resolving anything and I'll hang up."

Aunt Sue put her arm around Sam again.

Sam sighed and dialed her phone.

"Hi Gram," Sam said, trying not to cry all over again at the warm voice of her grandmother.

"Samantha? What's wrong?"

Sam laid it out for her grandmother. Gram didn't interrupt. Sam thought she was probably in too much shock to be able to form any words. Sam knew she was right there with her. Her mind wouldn't always form the words she needed and there were long pauses in her narration.

"Oh Sam," Gram murmured and Sam could hear the emotion in her grandmother's voice. "You should come home."

"I can't," Sam choked out. "I can't bear to see him with someone else."

"He might not…," Gram began.

"He will," Sam insisted. "He hates me Gram. I couldn't stand to see the hatred in his eyes."

Gram understood and told her so.

"Your father is still out on the range," Gram said. "I'll have him call you when he gets in."

"Can't you tell him?" Sam asked.

"I'll tell him part of it, but you need to explain the rest," Gram told her. "I wish you would reconsider."

"I can't," Sam blubbered.

"I'm sorry, Samantha," Gram murmured, but Sam had hung up.

She buried her face in her hands, the sobbing getting to Aunt Sue. Soon she was sobbing with her niece the two women holding each other again until they cried themselves out.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

Sam decided that talking to her father wasn't the hardest thing. Yes, he had blustered and threatened, wanting her to come home. Without getting into specifics, Sam told him that she and Jake had broken up and it was her fault. She couldn't admit to her father that she had betrayed and cheated on the love of her life.

When she was adamant that she couldn't come home, Dad asked her to please take care of herself and come home whenever she felt she could. She heard the sadness in her voice and it was her undoing. She sobbed as she hung up the phone.

It was packing up her ring to send back to Jake that threatened to kill her. She couldn't take off the ring. It took her hours of looking at the ring and sobbing. She would start to take it off before she had to stop, curling in a ball and crying her heart out then she'd start anew.

Once she got the ring off, she cried over it. Great gulping sobs were torn from her. Her aunt worried that Sam might have reached her breaking point as she listened to the anguish. Aunt Sue wasn't sure how much more _she_ could take.

She had cried for Samantha more than she thought she had cried in years. Only losing her sister, Sam's mother, had caused more tears. Aunt Sue was heartsick for her niece and didn't know what to do to help the young woman.

Sam also packed the turtle necklace and earrings in the small box she addressed to Jake. The only thing she had left that had been given to her by an Ely was Jingles, the stuffed horse Kit had won for her when she was four. If she ever saw Kit again, she'd ask if he wanted that back. Now though, she hugged the stuffed horse to her chest each night, wetting the fabric with her tears.

Aunt Sue had mailed the package off for Sam. Sam wasn't able to function quite yet. She certainly couldn't function enough to go to the post office and mail back her dreams to the man she loved.

Oh gosh, she loved Jake. She loved him so much and she had betrayed him! Why oh why had she done that? She couldn't believe she had betrayed him, but she knew she had. It would eat her up for the rest of her life.

If Sam would ever see Jake again, she would beg his forgiveness. It never occurred to her to forgive herself. She couldn't. She'd never be able to forgive herself. She had destroyed the one thing that mattered to her.

The months passed and Sam's aunt didn't even try to celebrate Christmas. She didn't put up a tree, she didn't buy presents. As far as they were concerned in San Francisco, Christmas was just another day.

Sam never made it out of bed that day, she was so depressed. She knew Jake was at Three Ponies and she was tempted to call, but she didn't. She just wanted to hear his voice again. Even if he told her he hated her, she would hear his voice.

Oh gosh, she'd never hear his voice caress her name ever again. Sometimes when they had talked and his voice dropped, lowering into a caress, Sam felt she would become a puddle at his feet.

Now the only puddle was the one she cried daily over losing him. She had lost him, she had lost him! My gosh, she had lost him forever. How would she ever survive? Did she want to?


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

Aunt Sue encouraged Sam to go to the _Chronicle_ and apply for a job. Not that she wanted Sam to move out, but she was still worried for Sam's well being.

Aunt Sue knew that getting Sam out of the apartment would help her to have a purpose. A purpose to live.

At this rate, Aunt Sue was worried that Sam might be dead by summer. She needed _something_ to live for. She certainly wasn't living for herself. She was at this point, merely surviving and not doing well at that.

Sam had lost an alarming amount of weight. Her skin sagged on her body. Her eyes were dark hollows in her face. Bottomless, dead, dark pools in her face.

Gone was the vibrant young woman who had the world by the tail, an education, a loving family, the love of a man she had known her whole life. In its place was a walking dead woman. There was no other phrase for Samantha. She was the walking dead.

She was excited by nothing. She cared about nothing, not even herself. She was a dead woman walking.

She breathed, but she didn't live.

Finally Sam agreed to go for the interview. She knew she had talent. Right now, she just didn't care about that talent.

Her room had some of her favorite photographs arranged in it. Some of them were of Jake. Some of them were of her family. She cried over all of them.

The day of the interview was a bad one for Sam. She sat on her bed, staring at a picture of Jake. She cried, missing him.

She missed his touch, she missed his kiss. She missed just talking to him about anything and everything. Sometimes they used to talk for hours. Jake had never been the most talkative guy, but with her he was different.

When they were kids, he rarely talked and she would have to guess half the time at what he was saying, he used so many words. Verbal shorthand, she called it. Only she knew what he was saying. Only she knew who Jake really was.

Now she'd never know him again. Because she was stupid. Maybe she was too stupid to get a job. Maybe she was just deluding herself and she really didn't have talent.

"You'll do great, Sam," Aunt Sam told her when Sam finally came out of her bedroom dressed for the interview.

Sam barely nodded. She had her portfolio with her. She really had no interest at this point, she was just doing this to please her aunt.

When Sam arrived at the newspaper, she stood in front of it, looking up at it. Why was she here? She should be at college. She should be in her dorm room talking to her fiancé.

She bit back the tears. She didn't have a fiancé. She had betrayed him. She had sent back her ring.

Her tears threatened to spill over, the sadness and sorry threatened to force her to her knees. She squared her shoulders and went in through the revolving door.


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

"May I help you?" the receptionist asked.

Sam explained why she was there and was told to head up to the fifteenth floor.

As she took the elevator, Sam felt pensive. She was actually going on an interview to be a photojournalist. It had been her dream. Had been. Or still was? Sam wasn't sure. She was there, but she wasn't sure.

She got off the elevator and walked into chaos. There were reporters everywhere. Some were on the phone, some were pounding the keys of computers.

This was something that Sam knew. She had participated in this chaos in both high school and college. This was what she had wanted to do after graduation. Then she frowned.

She had wanted to do this, but with Jake at her side. He'd never be at her side again. She could still do this, but she'd have to do it without Jake.

Jake who had always encouraged her, given her hope. She was hopeless without him. She was totally hopeless.

She could go through the motions of her life, but she'd be doing it without hope. It was a major decision that faced her at this moment. If she didn't go forward, Sam knew it wouldn't be long before she ceased to exist.

"May I help you?" an older man asked Sam. He looked to be a bit older than her father.

_No, nobody can help me. _

"I'm here to see Rod McDuff?" Sam knew she didn't sound confident.

"That would be me," the man told her. She saw a hint of humor in his green eyes.

"My name is Samantha Forster," Sam introduced herself.

"Let's see the pics," Rod held out a hand. Sam handed him her portfolio.

He started looking through them.

"This is yours?" he pointed at the photo she had taken that had ended up being used in this newspaper.

"Yes," Sam nodded.

"Hmmm," he murmured and started leafing through the rest of the pages. He stopped again at another of her photos which his newspaper had used.

"This one too?" he lifted his eyes to her.

"Yes, sir," Sam told him.

"You're hired," Rod responded.

Sam blinked.

He waved a hand in front of her face. "You there?"

"Yes sir," Sam tried to focus on him. "Wow."

"You start tomorrow," Rod said.

"Okay," Sam didn't know what to think.

"Lucy!" Rod shouted, startling Sam.

"Yeah?" a tall blond leaned back in her chair to answer.

"Show Forster where she'll be living," he shouted back.

"Thank you sir," Sam held out her hand which he shook.

"Don't thank me," Rod told her with a wink. "Thank whoever you got your talent from."

Maxine. Jake's mom had helped her become a good photographer. Sam wasn't sure she'd ever thanked the woman enough. Now it was too late.

Sam turned towards the blond woman who was pointing at a desk next to hers.

"This will be yours tomorrow," she was told.

Sam nodded, still in a daze. She really hadn't expected to get the job.

"Be here at five," Lucy told her. "That's AM."

Sam nodded again but inside she groaned. She wasn't a morning person.

Of course, she wasn't much of anything anymore. Her stupidity had taken care of that.


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11**

"Are you up for a visit?" Jen asked Sam.

"Why?" Sam wondered.

"I thought I'd come see you before I left to go back home for the summer," Jen told her.

"I'd love a visit," Sam responded. "Do you want me to come halfway?"

"Can you?" Jen inquired. "I don't want you to if…"

"Sure I can," Sam replied. "Vallejo I think would be about halfway."

"Any good restaurants there?"

"I'm sure there are," Sam said. "I'll ask Aunt Sue. She's really into restaurants and stuff."

"How are you, Sam?"

"About the same," Sam sighed. "I really messed up, Jen. I have to live with that for the rest of my life and that's difficult."

"I still think you should contact him," Jen said.

"Jen, you know Jake," Sam's voice wavered. "I betrayed him. He'll never forgive me. Never. Loyalty is one of Jake's biggest things. He'll never forget what happened. He'd hang up on me again and I couldn't take that."

_I'm fragile enough. _

The words were unspoken but both friends knew they were there.

"Tell me about your job then," Jen encouraged.

"I like it," Sam said. "I don't like having to be there at five in the morning, but the news happens twenty four hours a day so someone has to take the early shift."

"It could be worse," Jen pointed out. "You could be working eleven at night to five in the morning."

"Ugh," Sam groaned. "I couldn't do that shift."

"Yes you could, but thankfully you don't have to," Jen laughed. "What are you doing with the pay you're earning?"

"Most of it I send back to River Bend," Sam informed her. "I keep what I need and then send home the rest. I don't need much."

"How's your dad doing with your quitting school, working and living in Frisco?" Jen wondered.

"Not great," Sam admitted. "He keeps telling me to come home, despite my telling him I couldn't bear to see Jake. Especially if he starts dating someone."

"That's not likely," Jen said.

Sam was silent. Even though she wanted Jake to be happy, she didn't want him to find anyone else. Somewhere deep inside of her she hoped and dreamt that he'd be lonely and want her again, despite her unfaithfulness.

Jen seemed to know what Sam was thinking. "I hope he realizes how much he loved you and forgives you."

"Me too," Sam tried not to lose control again, but she felt the tears welling up in her eyes.

"Maybe you'll find someone better," Jen murmured.

"There isn't anyone better, Jen," Sam's voice was full of emotion. "I won't date again."

"Sam!" Jen yelped. "Don't say that."

"It's true," Sam pledged. "I have no interest in dating, other men, sex or anything else."

"You don't know that for sure," Jen insisted. "Someone might come along."

"No, Jen," Sam was adamant. "If I can't have Jake, I don't want anything."

"Darn Ely," Jen bit out.

"It was _my_ fault," Sam reminded her. "I'm the one who cheated on him."

"With that piece of…," Jen broke off.

"Yeah," Sam murmured. "I'm just a piece of _that_ for doing it."

"No you're not," Jen said. "You made a mistake."

"No, I made a horrendous mistake," Sam corrected. "The worst mistake a person could make."

"You still deserve forgiveness," Jen maintained. "Everyone makes mistakes."

"Yeah, but what's the least forgivable mistake?" Sam asked. "Mine."

"I'm sorry, Sam," Jen sighed.

"Yeah, so am I," Sam's sigh was louder and deeper than her friend's.


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

Sam had met Jen in Vallejo for a few hours. The two friends had squealed upon seeing each other, then hugged, crying as they did so. They got a few looks from some of the other patrons in the restaurant they met at.

Jen filled Sam in on all the news on campus. It seemed that Craig was on the outs with his frat brothers over sleeping with Sam.

"The frat brothers are pissed at Creep," Jen called him by the nickname she and Sam had started using.

"Why?" Sam asked. "I would have thought the rest of the frat boys would be high fiving him for scoring."

"Seems Creep likes to make a habit of this sort of thing," Jen said. "A lot of the guys liked you."

Sam rolled her eyes.

"No, really," Jen told her. "There were some that wanted to vote Creep out because of it."

"What good would that do?" Sam sighed. "I still cheated on my fiancé with him. Nobody forced me."

Jen tilted her head at her friend and Sam saw her worrying her bottom lip.

"Say it," Sam told her.

"I'm not sure I should," Jen shook her head.

"Why?"

"You're hurting enough," Jen said.

"What's a little more hurt when you're life sucks as bad as mine does?" Sam sighed with a shrug.

The two friends stared at each other. The waitress came to take their orders. Then the two went back to staring at each other.

"Okay, but don't say I didn't warn you," Jen said.

"Duly noted," Sam grumbled.

Jen gave her a sharp look.

Sam sighed and nodded, picking up her water glass to take a drink.

"He likes to video it," Jen rushed out.

Sam dropped the glass. It hit the table, bounced off and fell onto the floor, spilling water on the way as it shattered.

"What?" Sam almost screamed.

Jen took a quick look around the restaurant and saw everyone was watching them. The waitress was hurrying towards them, concern on her face.

Jen sadly nodded. Sam put her head in her hands to hide the tears.

"Are you all right?" the waitress asked. There was a bus boy rushing up with a mop and a trash can.

"She could use another glass of water," Jen told the waitress.

The waitress glanced at Sam who was crying, then back at Jen who gave her a look. The other woman nodded and left. The bus boy quickly picked up the shattered glass and mopped up the water on the floor.

"Be careful," he said to Jen and Sam. Jen nodded and he left.

"I'm sorry Sam," Jen murmured, reaching over to put her hand on Sam's arm. The waitress came with their food and another glass of water for Sam.

"He videoed it?" Sam lifted her tear stained face to look at Jen.

"Probably," Jen nodded sadly.

"Do you realize how much this will hurt people if it gets out?" Sam asked.

"Your family?"

"My family, Jake, Jake's family," Sam counted out on her fingers.

Jen was surprised. Even after he dumped her, Sam still worried about Jake and his family. It was then that she knew her friend was irreparably damaged. Sam would never get over the loss of Jake. Jen was feeling terribly sad.

"In today's day and age, we need to worry about the Internet," Jen pointed out.

"Oh. My. Gosh," Sam groaned.

"Eric's been looking but hasn't found anything yet," Jen let her know.

"Isn't that illegal?" Sam asked.

"I don't know," Jen shrugged, taking a fry and biting into it.

Sam pushed her plate away. Jen looked at Sam and wondered if her friend ever looked in the mirror any more. She was way too thin, her eyes looked bruised and sunken, her hair looked dried out, she looked like she had aged ten years.

"You should eat," Jen encouraged her.

Sam just gave her a look and Jen shut up.

When Jen was done with her lunch, the waitress appeared and took her plate.

"Do you want me to box yours?" she asked Sam, who shook her head. The waitress shrugged and picked up Sam's plate too.

"We'll keep looking," Jen promised.

"And what then?" Sam asked, her voice toneless. "I become a YouTube sensation? Maybe I can pick up spare cash by making more movies."

"Sam," Jen's voice rebuked her. "More than likely nobody has seen them."

Sam gave her friend a sarcastic smile.

Jen was alarmed. She could see Sam giving up right in front of her.

"Please Sam," Jen whispered. "Don't be like this."

"Be like what?" Sam asked. "I lost my pride, I lost everything." Her voice was rising in hysteria. "I lost my self-respect and worst of all, I lost my fiancé. And you don't want me to be like _this_?"

"Sam."

"How should I be, Jen?" Sam wondered. "Should I get on the table and dance? I have lost everything. Do you understand that?"

"You haven't lost me," Jen almost growled at her friend. "Yes you lost Jake. You still have your family and you have me."

"I love you Jen, but Jake was my soul," Sam explained, the tears welling up in her eyes again. "Do you have any idea how it is to live without a soul? Sometimes it's not worth it."

"Don't talk like that," Jen begged.

"I can't help it," Sam sobbed. "I miss him so much Jen. I miss Jake so much."

Jen got out of her seat, squatting down next to Sam's chair and hugged her. She didn't have any comforting words for her best friend and that made Jen cry.


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13**

As her birthday approached, Sam asked her family not to do anything for her. She wasn't in the mood for presents, pretending like everything was fine in her life. It wasn't.

Sure, she had a job that she liked. She'd always wanted to do what she was doing, but she still hated what had happened between her and Jake. She missed him terribly. If only she could rewind her life to go back to that awful night.

Sam sighed. Of course, she couldn't. She'd give just about anything to be able to though.

Her family bent to her wishes. Aunt Sue just gave her a hug the morning of her birthday and told her that she hoped Sam felt better soon.

Felt better? When she had destroyed her life? When she had destroyed the love of the man who meant everything to her? It would be a cold day in hell before Sam felt better!

There was a package from home which Sam was leery of opening. She didn't want to cry again. She was tired of crying though that's all she seemed to do at night when she was supposed to be sleeping. Once she shut her eyes, visions of Jake came to her, making her cry.

"Open it," Aunt Sue urged Sam.

"I'm afraid to," Sam was honest. "I'm afraid of what's inside."

"What could be inside to make you afraid?" Aunt Sue wondered.

"Something to remind me of Jake," Sam sighed.

"Do you really need a present for that?" Aunt Sue murmured.

Sam gave a big sigh. "No."

She started to open the package and her hand came up over her mouth when she saw the pink _My Little Pony_ backpack inside. Oh gosh, just what she was afraid of. Something to remind her of what she had lost.

Sam remembered using the backpack all through elementary school and being teased by Jake's brothers when she did. Quinn especially had teased her unmercifully about the pink backpack.

"What on earth?" Aunt Sue picked up the backpack.

"It was mine as a kid," Sam managed to say through her tears, taking the backpack from her aunt. It felt different and Sam opened it up. Her mouth opened in shock.

Inside of the backpack had been converted into a camera bag. There was padding and separate compartments for her camera, flash and lenses. There was also a small pouch to hold her compact flash cards.

"Oh my gosh," Sam exclaimed. "It's perfect. Just perfect."

"I wonder how that was done," Aunt Sue wondered at it. "It's extremely cute."

"If Quinn saw it he'd call it wussy," Sam actually laughed.

Aunt Sue was surprised. It had been so long since Sam laughed.

"I have to call home," Sam grabbed the new pink camera bag and ran for her room.

Aunt Sue smiled after her niece, delighted to see Sam so happy for once. She would call River Bend also to let them know what the gift had done, but she would wait until Sam had left in the morning.

"Gram!" Sam greeted her grandmother when she answered the phone. "I received the backpack. Thanks so much."

"I'm glad Samantha," Gram told her. "I found it when I was cleaning out your closet and almost threw it out. I was talking to Helen Coley about it and how much you used to love it and she suggested giving it to her to see if she could convert it. Obviously she could."

"It's perfect," Sam said. She was coming down from the euphoria of seeing it.

"How are you really, honey?" Gram asked.

"About the same," Sam was honest. "I miss him so much."

"He graduated from college," Gram told her. "I was talking to Maxine the other day. He didn't want a party."

"No, he wouldn't," Sam murmured.

"He's still hurting," Gram went on.

Sam put her fist in her mouth to keep back the sob. _I'm so sorry Jake, so very sorry for hurting you. For hurting us both._

"Bryan's getting married," Gram's voice broke through Sam's grief.

"To Cara?" Sam asked.

"Yes, that's her name," Gram responded.

"I'm glad," Sam murmured and Gram could hear the pain in Sam's voice.

"The invitation didn't…," Gram broke off.

"I know I wasn't invited," Sam couldn't help the sniffle as she wiped her tears. "I wouldn't expect to be, even if I was home."

"I'm sorry honey," Gram's voice held regret.

"Yeah, me too," Sam's voice held even more regret. "I better go. Thanks again."

She hung up the phone, then she curled herself into the fetal position, hugging the pink camera bag to her chest as she cried.


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14**

"Are you going to Bryan's wedding?" Sam asked Jen when they next talked on the phone.

Jen sighed. "Yes, Eric and I are going."

"Will you look at Jake for me," Sam wondered and Jen heard the wistfulness in her voice.

"Do I have to?" Jen teased.

"Just make sure he's all right," Sam said.

"I can do that," Jen pretended to give a huge sigh. "I'll try taking pictures of him with my phone. Mom has a small digital camera that I can slip in my purse too."

"Thanks," she heard the humor in Sam's voice. "I'm not asking you to kiss him, just see if he's okay."

"If it would make you happy again, I'd even kiss Jake Ely," Jen told her.

"I miss him, Jen," Sam said. "You don't understand how much I miss him. He was such a huge part of my life and now nothing."

"It's got to be hard," Jen sighed.

"It is," Sam mused. "I went off the pill."

"Why?" Jen wondered.

"I don't need to be on it," Sam shrugged even though Jen couldn't see it.

"You might," Jen pointed out.

"No Jen," Sam's voice was firm. "If I can't be with Jake, I don't want to be with anyone."

"Ever?" Jen yelped.

"Ever," Sam said forcefully.

"You can't be serious," Jen was incredulous.

"Very serious," Sam snapped.

"Sam, you're twenty years old," Jen responded. "You can't make life altering decisions at twenty."

"Why not?" Sam taunted. "You did at ten, you said."

"That's different," Jen scoffed.

"Why is that different?" Sam wondered.

"I wanted to be a vet," Jen said. "You're talking about never marrying or being with anyone.

"Sam, I know you're hurting. I know you love Jake, but come on, you can't decide all this now."

"Yes I can and I have," Sam told her. "I've been with Jake. I've loved Jake. There isn't anyone out there that can make me feel better than I felt with him. There isn't anyone to compare with Jake. I won't settle."

"You can't say that at twenty," Jen insisted.

"I just did," Sam shrugged.

"You're willing to possibly live another sixty years alone?" Jen asked.

"It can't be any worse than how alone I am now, Jen," Sam murmured. "You have no idea how badly I hurt because of what I did."

"No, I don't," Jen agreed. "I just hate for you to say this now and get used to it and then end up alone with fifty cats for company."

"Maybe sixty or seventy," Sam tried to joke but both knew the joke fell flat.

Jen's heart was breaking for her friend. Sam was so darned stubborn she might actually do this. Then she thought again. No, Sam was so hurt from losing Jake that this might actually be her fate.

As she and Sam hung up, promising to talk again soon, Jen was in tears. She needed to hear Eric's voice and quickly called him.

She felt badly. She had someone who loved her. Sam didn't. Jen knew how awful she would feel if she and Eric broke up. Jen couldn't imagine what Sam was going through losing Jake the way she had.


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter 15**

Sam was working the day that Bryan got married. She was tense for some reason having a hard time concentrating on the pictures she was supposed to be taking.

She was attending a news conference by one of the local politicians. It was Sam's job to take pictures of the various speakers. When she was done here, she would go to a bayside park where a portion of the park was being dedicated to a local child who had been killed.

Sam snapped away as she sat on the floor in front of the room. Her _My Little Pony_ pink backpack on the floor next to her. Since starting to use it as a camera bag, she had gotten a few comments. Most were said in a joking manner and Sam laughed them off. Of course, anyone who knew her would be able to tell that her laughter was fake. The laughter never reached her brown eyes.

Sam had found out that most people didn't want to know you weren't doing okay. It was easier to lie and so she did to everyone except Jen and Aunt Sue. She even lied to her family. She didn't want to worry them and she knew everyone worried about her.

She worried about her also.

Sam was the only one who knew what it was like to be dead inside. Even though she was through the worst of the pain, the pain and the scars were still there. They would always be there, she knew.

She worried about the day that Jake found someone else to love. He might be shy, but he was a very handsome shy man. Most women found that appealing. Sam had seen it in person.

Many times they had been somewhere and she had seen the admiring looks he had garnered. Women found his exotic looks irresistible. His dark skin was as smooth as mahogany.

He was shy. Most women found that a challenge.

A handsome shy man would be fair game. A handsome shy man who was unattached would be irresistible.

It was only a matter of time before Jake found someone else to love. Sam knew that as sure as she knew her name was Samantha Forster.

Jake wanted children. They had planned to have kids. He wouldn't necessarily fall in love with someone just so they would give him children, but he loved kids. Being around his brothers who were having children would be hard for Jake. He would want to find someone to love, marry and have children with.

Sam shook off her depressing thoughts and remembered she was working.

It was hard. Jake was never too far from her thoughts at any given time. He crept into her thoughts often.

Now was not a good time though and she pushed him aside for now.

When the press conference was over, she gathered her things, putting her camera in her pink backpack. She couldn't help the faint smile as she did.

She missed Quinn, Bryan, Nate, Adam and Kit too. She thought of Quinn and Bryan every time she looked at her backpack. And today Bryan was getting married.

Sam shook her head in wonder. They were all married now. Except Jake. Some were fathers. Except Bryan and Jake. Jake would be the last Ely son not married.

Sam had to wonder for how long.


	16. Chapter 16

**Chapter 16**

Sam was sitting in her room, staring at her laptop. She had a collage she had made of Jake pictures as her desktop wallpaper. It gave her comfort, but sometimes it did hurt to look at him and know she'd never be with him again.

Her phone rang. She checked her caller ID and saw it was Jen.

"Hey," Sam greeted her friend.

"Did you work today?" Jen asked. Sam heard something in her voice.

"How was the wedding?" Sam wondered.

"Interesting," Jen told her. "We're on our way to the reception."

"So Bryan's married," Sam said.

"Yeah, can you believe it?" Jen responded. Sam heard a male voice in the background. "Eric says hi."

"Hi Eric," Sam returned and Jen relayed the message.

"What aren't you telling me?" Sam asked.

Jen sighed loudly into the phone. Sam's bottom lip trembled and her eyes filled with tears.

"He was with someone wasn't he?"

"Yeah," Jen said reluctantly. Jen hung her head as she heard Sam crying into the phone. Eric reached out and held her hand as he drove, squeezing it in support. Jen's heart was breaking for her friend.

"I'm sorry, Sam," Jen murmured.

"I want him to be happy," Sam sobbed.

Jen couldn't tell her that Jake seemed happy.

"What is she like?" Sam managed to ask.

"The opposite of you," Jen told her. "She's dark. She looks Indian or Hispanic."

"Like him," Sam said.

"Yeah," Jen concurred. "They look like they could be related."

Sam was trying to get her crying under control.

"Is he happy?" Sam asked.

Jen sighed.

"He is," Sam sighed heavily.

"He seemed to be," Jen affirmed.

"I'm happy for him," Sam whispered. "I want him happy."

"I want you happy," Jen told her.

"I was happy and I blew it," Sam choked back a sob.

"Oh Sam," Jen wiped her eyes.

"It's okay, Jen," Sam said.

"No, it's not okay," Jen snapped. "You're not okay. Jake's happy. You're miserable. How is that okay?"

"I have nobody to blame but myself," Sam reminded her.

"Creep had something to do with it don't forget," Jen retorted.

Sam heard Eric snort in the background.

"I didn't turn him down, did I?" Sam came back.

"You don't remember what happened, how do you know you didn't?" Jen yelped.

"I woke up in his bed," Sam shouted. "I woke up in that creep's bed. Fully naked. Obviously I didn't put up too much of a fight now did I?"

There was silence between the friends.

"I'm sorry, honey," Jen told her.

"So am I," Sam responded. "Call me tomorrow and let me know how it went."

"Sure Sam," Jen murmured. "Have a good night."

Sam hung up, putting her hands over her face as she cried. She wasn't sure she could be even more broken hearted than before.

It had happened. Jake had found someone else and Sam knew for sure she would spend the rest of her days alone, regretting the dreadful mistake she had made. The mistake that would haunt her for the rest of her life.


	17. Chapter 17

**Chapter 17**

Sam's summer dragged by. She had given up. She knew she had given up. She didn't care about work, herself or anything else. Jake had found someone else.

From what Jen had told her from the reception, Jake was very happy with this Dawn person. She seemed to fit right into the family also, which was another source of unhappiness for Sam. It seemed like she had never existed.

Jen had told her that she had danced with Bryan and he had asked about her. That made Sam feel a little better, but she wallowed in her self-pity.

She knew she was to blame for all this, but she missed the Elys. They had been her second family for most of her life and now she was on the outside looking in and she didn't like it. She missed her big brothers.

Sam felt all alone, even though she lived with her loving aunt. It wasn't the same. She went to work and came home.

She was used to having a circle of friends and now she didn't. She had lost trust in herself and those around her and so she didn't make friends at work or in the area. She kept to herself and everyone could see the wall she had built around her.

Most times Sam was numb. She didn't allow herself to feel anything. When she went to an accident sight, she didn't see the hurt or dead people. She took her pictures, and got out of there.

In her world, the not feeling helped her to get photographs that others might not have gotten. Sam got right in there and let her photos tell the story, regardless if the story was pleasant or not.

Because of that, the reporters at the _Chronicle_ fought over her. They all wanted Sam to do their photographs for them. Her name was getting out there as a premier photojournalist. Her reputation for getting the best shots was becoming wide spread outside of San Francisco.

Sam started getting job offers from some of the big newspapers. The _Los Angeles Times_ wanted her badly and offered to double her salary. The _Chronicle_ matched their offer even though Sam had no plans to leave.

When the _New York Times_ sent a representative to woo Sam, she was flattered, but told them she wouldn't leave San Francisco. Sam was basically a small town girl and knew she would be lost in New York.

The only thing that tempted her about the offers was getting as far away from Jake and his new girlfriend as possible. Not that she'd ever run into them in San Francisco.

Jen kept her up to date on what was happening back home and Gram did also. Brynna was pregnant again and expecting a little girl. Gram had told her that Vanis was expecting again and she too was expecting a girl.

She missed the Ely wives too. Sam had gotten along well with all of them. She remembered the fun they had at the Shoshone powwow that time.

She wiped the sad tears from her eyes. Those happy times were over for her. There was nothing but heartache ahead for Sam. She knew that. She had known that from the moment she had woken up in Creep's bed.


	18. Chapter 18

**Chapter 18**

That fall, Sam was walking into the office at the Chronicle not really paying attention to what she was doing. She was changing the battery in one of her cameras as she walked.

She glanced into Rod's office out of the corner of her eye, like she normally did. She waved over her head and kept walking.

Sam's head shot up and she stopped walking. There was somebody else in Rod's office.

Sam backed up until she was in the doorway and looked in. Sitting behind Rod's desk was a grinning Johnny, her editor from college.

"I was wondering if you'd remember me," Johnny told her.

"What are you doing here?" Sam asked.

"Rod retired and I'm taking over this department," Johnny said.

"Wow, this is so strange that you're here and so am I," Sam smiled. "You're not stalking me are you?"

"No," Johnny laughed. "Though I found out where my star photographer ended up through the grape vine." He sobered. "I sure wish you hadn't left school, Sam."

He saw the sadness in Sam's eyes.

"I had to," Sam shrugged, looking everywhere but at him.

Johnny nodded slowly, watching her.

"I'm not sure what happened and I really don't care," Johnny held up a hand when she would have said something. "It's not my business. You had your reasons, I suppose, but we missed you on the paper. I wasn't kidding when I called you my star photographer. You're the best I've seen."

Sam shook her head, still looking down.

"Don't be so modest, Forster," Johnny told her. "I've heard the offers from the other papers. One of the reasons I took this job was because of you. You'll make me look good."

Sam's eyes met his briefly. "I'll try." She looked away again.

Johnny was amazed at the change in her. Gone was the confident girl who had applied at the campus newspaper. Back then she had a nice shape to her, strong muscles covered by dewy skin.

Now she looked like she hadn't had a decent meal since she left college. Her beautiful brown eyes were haunted, sunken in her face, surrounded by what looked like purple bruises. She was pale, sickly looking and her striking reddish-brown hair looked as lifeless as the rest of her.

"Shut the door, Sam," Johnny said to her.

Startled, Sam looked like she was going to run off for a moment before she shut the door behind her.

"Are you sure you're all right, Sam?" Johnny asked.

Sam bit her lip, looking down at the floor as she nodded. She didn't look down fast enough. Johnny had seen the quick tears in her eyes. He had heard the rumors, of course. He had made discreet inquiries after Sam had left and heard about the frat party. He had never been a fan of frat boys.

"You come to me if you need to," Johnny continued. "As friends, not employer, employee, okay?"

He saw the surprise in Sam's eyes before she looked away again and nodded.

"What do you have planned today?" Johnny asked, getting back to business.

Sam told her about her assignments and Johnny nodded.

"Great, go out and get me some super photos," Johnny dismissed her.

Sam grabbed the door knob and pulled open the door.

"Oh and Sam?" Johnny's voice stopped her and she turned around.

"I'm glad you're okay," Johnny told her.

Sam tried to smile, but it never reached her eyes he saw, as she nodded and then left.

Johnny wondered what had happened to the young woman causing her to be a shadow of her old self. He shook his head. It was a shame and he had been a bit shocked to see the differences.


	19. Chapter 19

**Chapter 19**

Once Johnny came on board the _Chronicle_ Sam started getting the best assignments. She knew some of the other photographers were upset, but Johnny knew and trusted her.

A few times Sam was even sent out of town for stories. Usually the photographers who had been with the paper for years got those assignments, but now it was Sam.

She had gone to Los Angeles for a movie premiere. The reporter she went with liked the party scene and tried to encourage Sam to go to some of the Hollywood parties with her. Sam wasn't interested.

She did her job, just her job and went back to the hotel when she was done, leaving the reporter to do the parties. Sam knew her colleagues all wondered why a twenty year old girl was such a homebody, but Sam had no interest in socializing. She would pay for her last socializing for the rest of her life. She had lost the love of her life due to it.

From LA, they flew to the Sundance Film Festival in Utah. As she followed the reporter down the main street, she had to turn as she saw someone who reminded her of Jed Kenworthy. She ended up bumping into the reporter's back.

"What's wrong?" the reporter asked.

"That man there looks like a man I knew from back home," Sam pointed.

The reporter, Sue, turned to look and started to laugh.

"You have a neighbor who looks like Robert Redford?" she asked.

"That's Robert Redford?" Sam gasped. "Wow, I'm not in Nevada anymore, that's for sure."

The famous actor had stopped to sign autographs and Sam quickly took one of her cameras out of the _My Little Pony_ backpack and snapped away. She couldn't wait to send some to Jen who would get a kick out of her dad looking like the actor.

"You're the only photographer I've ever seen with a little pink backpack as a camera bag," Sue shook her head.

"This was my backpack in grade school," Sam explained with a shrug. "My grandmother had it made for me."

"Ingenious," Sue said. "It sure gets you noticed and sets you apart from the rest of the pack."

Sam wasn't so sure that was desirable. She didn't want to attract attention. In fact, in her case, she desired the exact opposite. She had once attracted attention and it had ruined her life.

She shuddered and continued down the main street with Sue.

"Sure I can't convince you to hit the parties with me tonight?" Sue asked as they entered their hotel later that evening.

"I'm sure," Sam shook her head. "I'm not much of a party goer. I'd rather watch a movie on my laptop or read."

Sue shook her head at the young woman who was her photographer for this assignment.

"There are a lot of single men out there," she teased.

"No, thanks," Sam shook her head vehemently.

Sue tilted her head at Sam, but Sam turned away telling the other woman goodnight as she went to her room.

Sam knew she was somewhat of a party pooper, but she wasn't interested in other men. The man she loved was with someone else now and according to Jen, they were growing closer.

Jen had told her that Dawn had been seen around Darton and Alkali with Jake now. She sometimes stayed at Three Ponies with Jake. Sam knew they were intimate which tore out her heart.

When Jake's birthday had come around, Sam had a hard time dealing with it. It had been a year since she had lost him. A year since she had heard his voice. A year ago she had everything she had ever wanted. A year later, she was broken. Broken and destroyed.

She heard a song which summed up how she was feeling perfectly.

_I woke up today  
Woke up wide awake  
In an empty bed  
Staring at an empty room  
I have myself to blame  
For the state I'm in today  
And now dying  
Doesn't seem so cruel  
And oh, I don't know what to say  
And I don't know anyway  
Anymore_

I hate myself for losing you  
I'm seeing it all so clear  
I hate myself for losing you  
What do you do when you look in the mirror  
And staring at you is why he's not here?

You got what you deserved  
Hope you're happy now  
'Cause everytime I think of her with you  
It's killing me  
Inside, and  
Now I dread each day  
Knowing that I can't be saved  
From the loneliness  
Of living without you  
And, oh  
I don't know what to do  
Not sure that I'll pull through  
I wish you knew

I hate myself for losing you  
I'm seeing it all so clear  
I hate myself for losing you  
What do you do when you look in the mirror  
And staring at you is why he's not here?

I hate myself for losing you  
And oh, I don't know what to do  
Not sure that I'll pull through  
I wish you knew  
And oh, I don't know what to say  
And I don't know anyway  
Anymore  
No, no

I hate myself for losing you  
(I'm seeing it all so clear)  
I'm seeing it all so clear  
I hate myself for losing you  
What do you do when you look in the mirror  
And staring at you is why he's not here?  
What do you say when everything you said  
Is the reason why he left you in the end?  
How do you cry when every day you shout  
"Don't ever bring him back again?"  
I hate myself for loving you

Sometimes she lay awake in her bed at night and remembered the touch of Jake's hand upon her body. Besides the conversation, the love, Sam missed the intimacy that she and Jake had shared.

Jake might be a shy man, but he wasn't when they were alone together.

Now it was Dawn who was with Jake as she made love to him. Sam felt the heartache at this knowledge all over again.

Sam sat on the hotel bed and cried out in pain as the images of this new woman and Jake played through her mind. She buried her face in her pillow to keep the sobs from being overheard.

She had lost the man she loved. She had lost everything.

He now belonged to someone else and that fact would eat away at Sam for the rest of her life.


	20. Chapter 20

**Chapter 20**

Sam's family begged her to come home for Christmas again. Sam refused. She didn't want to take the chance of running into Jake. It would kill her to see him with Dawn.

She had wanted him to be happy, but now that he was happy with someone else, she had slid into a deep depression. Once again, she refused to celebrate Christmas and she actually volunteered to work that day so someone else could be with their family.

Gram told her that some of her pictures had made the _Darton Journal_. Sam wondered if Jake had seen them.

Did he ever wonder about her? Did he ever wonder how she was doing? She would give anything to be able to touch him and kiss him just one more time.

It served her no purpose to think about this sort of thing. He was out of her life completely. He had moved on. Sam would never be able to move on.

On Christmas day, Sam was on top of the Golden Gate Bridge taking pictures for the _Chronicle_. As she was finishing up, she looked down at the churning water below and for a moment thought about jumping.

Her life was ruined. Nobody would care if she did it. She actually put a hand on the rail to climb up, when she realized what she was doing.

Sam jumped down and sat on the cold concrete as she hugged her knees and cried. Her life was so bad she had contemplated suicide on Christmas!

For once in a long time, Sam wished for a mother. Her own mother had died when Sam was so young. Jake's mom had been a stand in mom for her over the years. Now she didn't have Maxine either.

The tears ran down her cheeks as she sobbed.

Sam was all alone. She didn't have anyone to hold her, to hug her. Maybe she _should_ jump over the rail.

Yes, her family would miss her for awhile, but with all the new babies arriving at River Bend, they wouldn't miss her for long.

Jen might miss her, but she now had Eric.

Nobody else would miss her if she were gone. They certainly wouldn't at Three Ponies. Sam bet Jake wouldn't even attend her funeral.

The wail started deep inside of her. She threw back her head and let it out. It started out a wail, ending in a keening sound.

Some of the people driving on the bridge heard the sound of anguish and wondered at it. Some slowed down thinking some type of animal was in pain. No one stopped.

Sam was alone with her agonizing pain. She didn't want to live anymore but she was too chicken to pitch herself over the edge.

When she ran out of tears and her throat hurt from screaming out her pain, Sam continued to sit on the cold concrete and contemplate her worthless life.

Anything of worth, she had lost. She couldn't blame Creep, not really. _She_ was the one who had betrayed the most important thing to her. It was just her.

A little more of her soul died that Christmas day.

Sam couldn't help but wonder how much more of her soul would die before the rest of her did too.


	21. Chapter 21

**Chapter 21**

The months and years slid by and Sam existed. She didn't live but she did exist. It was as much as she could hope for.

She moved out of Aunt Sue's apartment. Sam became tired of Aunt Sue asking her to go out, do something besides just moping around.

Sam didn't want to do anything besides mope around. Her life was over. She had blown it. She had cheated on the man she loved. What did she have to live for if she didn't have Jake?

Many nights Sam sat in the darkness, listening to her iPod and crying until she had no more tears to cry.

One song, which didn't really have anything to do with losing the love of your life, moved Sam to tears every time she heard it.

Sometimes she put the song on repeat and curled up into a little ball and bawled her eyes out, great choking sobs escaping from her. Then she'd listen to it again. Then again.

The words _forever in my shame _in the songresonated with her. She would bear the shame of losing Jake this way for the rest of her days. She would be alone due to this shame and betrayal for the rest of her life.

How long would that life be?

Sam didn't know. She wasn't sure how much more she could take.

Some days it just seemed simpler and easier to just do herself in. She had nothing to live for. She had nobody who cared for her the way Jake had cared for her.

They had joked that they had found their soulmates at four and six. To Sam it wasn't a joking matter because for her it was true. She was now without her soulmate and she didn't want to live without him. She couldn't live without him.

She dropped another size but didn't buy any new clothes. She didn't care that her clothes hung on her. She didn't care that her hair looked like a haystack. She just didn't care anymore.

It was the end of February when Jen called her. Sam could tell by the tone of her voice that Jen didn't want to tell her something.

"Just say it," Sam's tone was deadened. Whatever Jen had to say wouldn't make a difference to Sam. How could you become any deader than dead?

She heard Jen sigh deeply. "How are you today?"

"How do you think I am?" Sam retorted.

"Today's not a good day then," Jen said.

"I don't have good days anymore," Sam told her. "My good days ended a couple of years ago."

"Gosh, has it been that long?" Jen was surprised.

"Yeah," Jen heard the emotion in Sam's voice.

"I'm sorry, Sam. Please don't cry," Jen pleaded.

"Too late," Sam murmured. "So what bad news do you have for me today? Jake getting married? Having a baby?"

"No, he's not having a baby," Jen told her and Sam's blood ran cold.

"He's engaged," her voice broke.

"Yeah," Jen confirmed. She held her breath hoping that Sam wouldn't fall apart.

"I'm glad he's happy," Sam tried to put on a brave front. Inside her heart was breaking. Re-breaking. Into a thousand pieces. No, a million pieces.

How can a heart keep breaking? How much could it take before it just quit functioning?

So much for the song she had listened to earlier. You _could_ break a broken heart.

"Thanks for telling me, Jen," Sam's voice was barely audible.

"I wish you'd come home," Jen said.

"I don't have a home," Sam told her friend.

"Of course you do," Jen insisted.

"Jen, there's no way I could ever stand to see him with someone else," Sam's voice trembled. "I can't even stand to _think_ about him with someone else."

"I'm sorry, honey," Jen murmured.

"Yeah, me too," Sam's voice broke on a sob. "I need to let you go."

She cut Jen off and tossed her phone down on the couch next to her. Sam put her hands over her face.

Her eyes stung. Her lips trembled. Sam hung on as long as she could, putting off the next breath she would have to take. When she finally drew it, her whole body quaked with the grief she could no longer hold back.


	22. Chapter 22

**Chapter 22**

"Forster, get in here," Johnny bellowed a couple of months later.

"Yes?" Sam stuck her head in Johnny's office.

"Big doings at Davis," Johnny told her. "One of my friends just called me to let me know. Seems this just broke."

"Yeah?" Sam thought of Jen and hoped she was okay.

"A student got busted for date rape," Johnny said. "Multiple date rapes. Seems he's had a lot of victims on campus. Drugged them at frat parties and then, uh…you know."

"Do you want me to go to Davis?" Sam asked. Her phone went off and she shut it off quickly, without looking at who it was. "Sorry."

"You know the campus better than anyone else I could send," Johnny nodded. "Will you be all right to go back there?"

Sam took a deep breath and let it out. "As long as I don't see a certain someone, I should be fine. I can stay with my friend Jen."

"How soon can you head out?" Johnny asked. "The paper will get you a room."

"As soon as I get packed," Sam responded.

"Good, good," Johnny was nodding. "This could be big."

"Are you sending a reporter with me?" Sam asked as she turned to go.

"No, you're it Sam," Johnny gave her a look. "Can you do this?"

Sam bit her lip. Johnny knew how depressed she'd been.

"Yes," Sam gave him a sharp nod. "I won't let you down."

"I never thought you would," Johnny gave her a smile. "Now get out of here and go earn a Pulitzer."

Sam gave a short laugh, giving a wave as she left his office.

"What's that all about?" Lucy asked when Sam came back to her desk.

"Breaking story on campus," Sam told her, gathering her things. She grabbed the pink _My Little Pony_ backpack.

"Why are you going?" Lucy wondered.

"Dunno," Sam shrugged and started to walk out. Lucy was a reporter and thought she should do all the stories that came through. Sam didn't want to argue with her or anyone else.

Actually, Sam didn't feel like going to Davis either. She wasn't sure what she would do if she ran into Creep. Maybe put the hitting lessons, given to her all those years ago by Quinn, to good use. Sam would love to clock Creep a good one. Of course, she'd have to beat herself up too, since she was at fault as well.

That thought sobered Sam as she left the building and went to where her Mustang was parked. She still loved the car, even though it garnered a lot of attention from men. Attention she didn't want or appreciate. Maybe she should sell the car and get a dud car.

She drove to her apartment and let herself in. Sam packed lightly. Nothing fit anyway, she shrugged to herself. All her clothes hung on her since she had turned into a scarecrow.

The thought didn't bother Sam in the least. She was beyond caring what she looked like. She was beyond caring about much of anything.

Sam was on Highway 80 and heading towards Davis within thirty minutes. She guessed she should call Jen and let her know she was coming. She'd do it once she was out of San Francisco traffic. She needed to concentrate on getting through it. Even after all this time, Sam wasn't used to this much road traffic.

Once she was over the Bay Bridge and outside of San Pablo, Sam pulled over to the side of the road and put down the top on her Mustang convertible. She forgot all about calling Jen.

A song which normally tore her heart out came on over the stereo and Sam sang it at the top of her lungs, not caring that she was sobbing and crying at the same time that she was singing.

Sam was screaming out her pain again, wishing Jake was still holding her through the night. It seemed so long ago since someone held her. It had been years since they had made love.

She missed that part of her life. She really didn't want anyone except Jake. Since he was now engaged to someone else, she had decided to turn that part of her life off.

She planned on living the rest of her life without it. So far she had gone this long and while she missed it and how it made her feel, she didn't feel the urge to rush out and find someone to be with.

Sam sighed, gripping the steering wheel. She didn't want to think about all that. She dashed the tears from her eyes. She took a deep breath, relaxing as she slouched a bit in her Mustang's seat and drove towards the university she had left in shame years ago.


	23. Chapter 23

**Chapter 23**

As Sam pulled into Davis, she remembered she had turned off her phone. She dug it out of her pocket and turned it on. She saw Jen had left her five messages.

Sam was worried that something had happened to Jake or her family, so she called Jen back.

"Hey, what's wrong?" Sam asked when Jen answered.

"I've been trying to get a hold of you," Jen's patience was fried, Sam could hear.

"I'm sorry," Sam said, turning into the parking lot near Jen's dorm. "It first rang when I was in a meeting with Johnny. I shut it off and just now remembered to turn it on. Is Jake okay?"

"Jake?" Jen sounded confused.

"My family?" Sam wondered.

"What?" Jen yelped.

"You called me," Sam explained patiently.

"Sam, it's about you," Jen told her.

"What about me?" now it was Sam's turn to be confused.

"I'm not sure if you heard about the arrest," Jen said.

"That's why I'm here," Sam responded.

"Here?"

"Yeah, in Davis," Sam said.

"You're in Davis?" Jen squawked.

"I'm in your parking lot," Sam told her.

"What?" Jen yelped again. "Oh you are not."

"Wanna bet?" Sam laughed.

A few seconds later, Sam saw Jen running out of her building. She skidded to a stop and screamed. Sam screamed back and the two friends hugged.

"Come on, let's go inside," Jen tugged on Sam's arm.

"Hang on, I can't leave my camera in the car," Sam told her, grabbing the pink backpack.

"I have so much to tell you," Jen was fairly bubbling over and Sam felt a cold fist grab her heart.

"You're sure Jake's all right?" Sam asked as they went into the building. She saw Jen's strange look at her.

"Ely's fine, as far as I know," Jen retorted. "Though I keep poking a Jake voodoo doll with pins, it doesn't seem to work."

Sam snorted.

Jen opened the door to the dorm and Sam stood in the doorway. It felt so weird to be back in the dorm room.

"Feel weird?" Jen asked.

"Yeah," Sam nodded slowly. "So what's the news?"

"I'm not sure what to tell you first," Jen eyed her.

"Good news first?" Sam raised her eyebrows.

"It's all good news," Jen couldn't help the smile.

Sam tilted her head at her friend.

"You didn't cheat on Jake," Jen told her.

"What?" Sam yelped.

Jen was shaking her head.

"Sam, you were drugged," Jen said.

Sam's jaw dropped, while Jen nodded.

"Creep was arrested today for possessing rufies," Jen told her.

"Rufies?" Sam shook her head.

"Rohypnol," Jen explained. "Date rape drug."

"Are you serious?" Sam's voice was almost a whisper.

"Very," Jen nodded.

Sam's knees gave out and she collapsed on her old bed. She felt the buzzing in her head and fought not to lose consciousness.

Jen knelt in front of her, gripping Sam's hand. "Stay with me, Samantha."

Sam tried to focus on her friend.

"Let me get you some water," Jen started to stand up.

"No," Sam grabbed her arm. "Don't leave me."

"Take deep breaths," Jen instructed her, breathing in and out with Sam.

Sam's bottom lip trembled and Jen sat on the bed next to her and held her closely as Sam cried.

"Just let it out," Jen murmured. "You didn't cheat on him, Sam."

Sam sobbed in Jen's arms. Jen rubbed her friend's back, whispering words of comfort to her.

"I lost him for nothing, Jen," Sam managed to say. "I didn't cheat on him."

"You were raped, Samantha," Jen told her, still rubbing her friend's back.

The reality of it crashed down on Sam. Her sobs became a wail over what she had lost because of Creep.

Jen continued to hold her tight as Sam's grief over losing Jake washed over her again. Jen knew this time was even worse since Sam realized now it wasn't her fault.

Soon, Sam's sobs ended though she continued to cry. Her tears seemed to become cleansing. For the first time years, Sam was doing something she thought she would never be able to do.

She was forgiving herself.


	24. Chapter 24

**Chapter 24**

"I'm sorry you had to find out this way," Jen told her once Sam calmed down.

"I'm here for this story," Sam responded.

"Can you write the story if you're one of the victims?" Jen wondered.

"Nobody knows I was involved do they?" Sam wiped her eyes.

"Eric found the video and destroyed it," Jen whispered.

Sam sighed. "I'll never be able to thank him."

Jen shook her head. "He's sorry for what happened. He suspected, but couldn't do anything without proof."

"Can I interview him and you?" Sam asked, shaking herself knowing she still had a job to do. "I'll do it anonymously."

"Sure, you can ask me whatever you want," Jen nodded. "Want me to call him over?"

"Yes," Sam said. "I'll wash my face while you talk to him."

Sam got up and went into the bathroom, splashing cold water on her face. She looked at herself in the mirror and almost didn't recognize herself. Her eyes were huge in her face and right now they were bloodshot.

She felt the emotion welling up in her again at knowing she hadn't truly betrayed Jake. Still, it was too late since he was engaged now to marry someone else.

"Oh Jake," Sam bit her lip to keep the sob inside. "I still love you so much."

"You okay in there?" Jen called, coming to stand in the doorway. "Eric's on his way."

"Yeah," Sam dried her face. "I'm fine."

"Are you going to tell Jake?" Jen wondered.

"How can I?" Sam asked. "He's in love and engaged to someone else. I'm not sure he'd care at this point."

"He should know," Jen insisted.

"Maybe some day he will," Sam shrugged. "It won't change anything. He's moved on."

"You didn't cheat on him," Jen murmured.

"No, I didn't," Sam sighed. "I didn't think I could ever willingly cheat on him and now I know I didn't." She sighed again, this time more deeply. "However, it doesn't change that he's in love with someone else and getting married to her."

"Maybe it would," Jen suggested.

Sam shook her head. "It's too late. I won't do that to him." She met Jen's eyes in the mirror.

"You still love him," Jen stated.

"Until the day I die," Sam vowed.

The two friends continued to stare at each other in the mirror.

"You're going to be alone for the rest of your life?" Jen asked.

"Yes," Sam nodded.

"He's not worth it," Jen growled.

"Yes, Jen he is," Sam countered.

"He's not worth being alone for the rest of your life," Jen shook her head.

"I can't expect you to understand," Sam sighed. "Jen, I don't want anyone else."

"There are nice men out there," Jen insisted.

"Like who?" Sam snapped. "Creep? Who knows what else is waiting out there for me. Who's next? A serial killer?"

Jen gasped and Sam apologized.

"I love Jake, Jen," Sam felt the tears again. "I love him so much. I hate that he's with someone else, but I love him enough to want him happy. He's happy with what's her face, I won't come between them."

"He doesn't deserve you," Jen muttered as there was a knock at the door.

"I didn't deserve him, I guess," Sam sighed as Jen left to answer it.

Sam looked at her reflection. "I guess I don't deserve to be happy," she whispered to herself.


	25. Chapter 25

**Chapter 25**

Sam interviewed both Eric and Jen. Both were impressed at Sam's professionalism. It seemed to both of them that their friend Sam was gone and in her place was a reporter.

Sam had a recorder, plus she took notes. A couple of times, she had to shut off the recorder so she could get a grip on her emotions.

"It's so weird to interview someone when you're one of the victims," Sam wiped her eyes.

Both Eric and Jen murmured to her, telling her what a great job she was doing. Sam smiled and continued with the interview.

When she felt she had all she could get from Jen and Eric, she told them she was going to go to the campus police, then the main police station in Davis. Jen asked if she needed company. Sam shook her head.

"No," Sam looked so sad to Jen. "I'll be okay."

"Where are you staying tonight?" Jen asked.

"Hotel room," Sam answered. "The paper pays for it."

"You can stay here," Jen offered.

Sam shook her head. "I appreciate it, but I need some alone time to take all of this in."

"It's got to be hard," Eric murmured.

"Very hard," Sam nodded. "I've finally forgiven myself." Her voice caught. "It doesn't mean I don't miss him. I miss him an awful lot."

Eric gave her a sad look and Sam sighed, evading his eyes. She couldn't take anyone's pity right now.

Eric wondered if anyone, including Jen, would ever love him that much. He also wondered if Jen saw what he was seeing in Sam.

She stood up and gathered her things.

"How long will you be here?" Jen asked, as both she and Eric stood up too.

"As long as it takes," Sam shrugged. "I'd say at least a couple of days. Most everything is done by computer now."

"I have class tomorrow, but call me when you can," Jen hugged her friend.

"I will," Sam hugged her back, before hugging Eric too. Then she flung her pink _My Little Pony_ backpack over her shoulder and left the dorm.

"My gosh, she looks horrible," Eric murmured when Sam had gone.

"She's living with a broken heart," Jen told him. "She told me she was going to spend the rest of her live alone, wishing she had Jake."

Eric grimaced. "She won't live long like that."

Jen looked at him sharply.

"You see it too," she murmured.

"Hard not to," Eric said.

"She won't kill herself," Jen was adamant.

"She won't have to," Eric countered. "She'll die of a broken heart, making it easier on herself."

"Don't say that," Jen hissed.

"It's the truth, babe," Eric looked down on her. "You know it is. One way or another, she'll still be dead. She might not do the deed herself, but she won't stop mourning my cousin until she dies from it."

"Don't say it," Jen whispered. It scared her that Eric had seen the same thing she had.

"Okay, I won't say it," Eric hugged his girl. "Can I make you feel better?"

He raised his eyebrows at her.

"You can always make me feel better," Jen leaned into him her mouth meeting his.

"You can make me feel better too," Eric's mouth moved over Jen's.

They tumbled onto Jen's bed.


	26. Chapter 26

**Chapter 26**

Sam was busy tapping away on her laptop, writing her story. She had gone to the police station and interviewed both the arresting officer and the officer in charge.

At first they didn't want to grant her an interview, thinking she was a kid on one of the local school newspapers. Once she flashed her _Chronicle_ ID, they had changed their minds.

Through these officers, she found out just how involved Creep had been in this. Apparently they suspected a lot of victims. Sam kept quiet, not giving away that she had been one of them.

It seemed that the police had enough proof to lock Creep up for the rest of his life. Her being a victim wouldn't change any of that.

They gave her a copy of his mug shot and Sam's hands shook as she looked down at it. His eyes were ice cold. Even now, he seemed to be smirking. Smirking directly at her. He was probably unaffected that he had ruined her life.

Her ruined life was due to this man. Sam wasn't violent, but it was a good thing he wasn't standing in front of her.

She had done research on rohypnol, its symptoms and effects. Thinking back on that night years ago, Sam had no doubt of it that she had been under its influence. The sweating, the dizziness, the waking up with no memory of what happened. She hadn't been drinking alcohol. She'd been drugged.

Sam still couldn't think about all that had happened and how she had lost Jake because of this without breaking down. That was the hardest part for her. Knowing she had lost Jake and it hadn't been her fault.

Jen still urged her to tell Jake, but she wouldn't. She couldn't. He deserved happiness and if he found it with Dawn, then she would miss him every day for the rest of his life, but she wouldn't interfere in his happiness.

Maybe he loved Dawn more than he had loved her. Maybe he was happier with Dawn than he had ever been with Sam. Who was she to mess that up? If he was happier and loved Dawn more, then nothing Sam could say would change any of that.

She had a life now in San Francisco. Granted, it wasn't the life she had hoped for. Darn these tears! She had wanted to spend the rest of her life with Jake, nestled in his arms, nuzzling into his neck as he hugged her.

Oh gosh, she missed his strong arms!

Sam had to stop typing. She put her face in her hands and let herself grieve again. She missed him so much.

Sam pushed her grief aside and got busy writing her story again. She wanted to get this into Johnny as quickly as she could. She still had a few more angles she wanted to pursue before heading back to San Francisco.

She saved the story, attached it to an email and sent it off to Johnny. Sam sat back and couldn't help the smile. It was pretty good, if she thought so herself. She was anxious to hear how Johnny thought it was.


	27. Chapter 27

**Chapter 27**

Sam received a call from Brynna a few days later.

"You've made the news here," Brynna told her.

"Oh?" Sam's mouth ran dry. Had someone figured out she was one of the date rape victims?

"The _Journal_ ran your story from the _Chronicle_, then added a 'Local Girl Makes Good' story," Brynna said. "It included a picture of you. Samantha, you're not taking care of yourself."

Sam groaned. She ran a hand over her hair. She mostly kept in a pony tail or braid. She had thought at one time to just shave her head like a pop star had done, but she couldn't bring herself to do it.

"I'm trying," Sam told her stepmother.

"You're still losing weight," Brynna countered.

"I haven't been hungry," Sam sighed.

"I'm sorry Sam," Brynna murmured. "I know how much you miss Jake. You still have to take care of yourself."

"Why?" Sam snapped. "What's the point?"

"The point is, you're alive," Brynna snapped right back at her stepdaughter.

_No I'm not_, Sam thought to herself. _My broken heart might be beating, my lungs might fill up with air, but I'm still dead._

She didn't say anything out loud knowing Brynna would worry about her wellbeing if she did. Sam didn't want anyone worrying about her. She was existing. That was all. That was enough.

Brynna sighed, seeming to know she might have pushed Sam too far. The young woman was extremely stubborn and you couldn't push her. You had to cajole her into thinking something was her own idea.

"Did you know this boy?" Brynna asked.

Sam froze.

"Yes, sorta," Sam answered.

"Lila says Jen knew him through Eric," Brynna went on.

"They were in the same frat house," Sam told her.

"And none of those other boys knew what was going on?" Brynna wondered.

"Guess not," Sam was careful about what she said. "Apparently this had been going on for awhile. He got careless and he got caught."

"Those poor girls," Brynna sighed.

Sam bit her lip. _She was one of those poor girls._

"Yeah," Sam said.

"Did you know any of the victims?" Brynna asked.

_Yeah me._

"They haven't released any names," Sam felt safe in saying. It was the truth. Some of them had come forward after realizing they too had been raped by Creep, but she and the rest of the media hadn't released anything that would show their identity.

"I'm just glad you weren't one of them, honey," Brynna told her.

"Yeah," Sam murmured. She put her finger to her eye to keep the tears from spilling. _It had been me_, she wanted to scream. She couldn't. Not yet. Maybe not ever.

"I saw Maxine the other day," Brynna went on.

_Please no. Please don't tell me how happy he is._

"She thought the story was well done," Brynna told her.

"Tell her thank you if you speak to her again," Sam's voice was emotionless, even though her insides were churning.

"The story mentioned your backpack," Brynna chuckled. "Quinn apparently remembers it."

"He teased me enough about it," Sam remembered with a sigh.

"The story called you a 'tiger with a pink _My Little Pony_ backpack'," Brynna laughed.

"A tiger?" Sam wondered at the term.

"Tenacious when it comes to a story," Brynna explained.

"In other words, stubborn," Sam said.

"Yes, I'd say," Brynna laughed again. "They interviewed your boss."

"He would say that," Sam nodded.

"What's next for you, honey?" Brynna asked.

"I have to do the arraignment for this guy, then I don't know," Sam told her. "Johnny mentioned there might be a story brewing in Hawaii, but hasn't said what it is though."

"Isn't that where Kit and his wife are?" Brynna wondered.

"Hawaii's a bunch of different islands," Sam explained. "I'm not sure where Kit is, but he's prolly not where I'm going."

"If you go, be careful," Brynna said.

"Sure," Sam murmured because she knew Brynna expected her to say it. She didn't care about her safety. She didn't care about being careful. She didn't care much about anything anymore.


	28. Chapter 28

**Chapter 28**

Sam walked up the stairs to the court building, her pink backpack slung over her shoulder. She showed her press badge and was admitted to the building. She had to go through a metal detector and gave her backpack to the security guard for a hand search. She had to show her the press badge again.

Sam knew she was one of the youngest reporters they'd probably seen. She knew she looked young, even though she would be twenty two in June. Most people her age were still in college. She would be graduating this June with her degree in journalism had she stayed in school.

She took her pink backpack back from the security guard and headed towards the courtroom. She showed her pass one last time and took her place near the front. Sam wanted to see Creep when he came in and planned on taking her pictures then.

The bailiff brought him in and Sam snapped a few pictures of him walking towards his attorney. Creep was dressed in a suit. He shook hands with his attorney before sitting down at the table.

Sam moved slightly to get a better angle and she saw Creep glance her way. She lowered the camera and stared back at him. She saw the surprise on his face and she couldn't help the smirk. She raised the camera again and took more pictures.

Sam could see she had rattled him. She was glad. She normally wasn't someone who wished someone else ill, but she wanted to see him get his.

He had ruined her life, successfully taking away everything that had ever mattered to her. For that, she wanted to see him go to jail. He deserved jail for what he had done to her and to the other women he had taken advantage of and raped.

The judge came in and everyone stood until she got settled into her chair. Sam knelt back down, taking pictures of the proceedings from every angle that she could.

She could feel Craig's gaze on her throughout the arraignment. She ignored him, concentrating instead on doing her job.

When the judge bound him over for trial without bail, Sam met his eyes again. She gave him the best imitation of Jake's smug tomcat lying in the sun smile that she could muster.

_Thank you Jake. Even though you don't love me any more, your influence helped me this day._

Craig's eyes narrowed at her smug smile. Sam increased the squinting of her eyes and twitched her mouth, picturing Jake in her mind. She hurt inside, seeing him so clearly in her mind.

Creep was led away by the bailiffs. He glanced once over his shoulder at her and Sam snapped the last photo. She knew it would be a good one and probably used in the _Chronicle_ and maybe even across the country.

_Buh-bye Creep_, Sam said in her mind. She was determined not to think about him again unless she was forced by the Chronicle to continue the story.

Sam decided to spend some time with Jen before she left to go back to San Francisco. She could write the story and send it from Jen's dorm. Maybe they could go out to dinner too.

With a soft smile, Sam headed to her Mustang eager to spend some time with her friend. Jen was her only friend now.

Just that sudden, Sam lost her smile. She still missed Jake terribly. She'd give up her career, she'd give up everything if only she could be with him again.

Sam took a deep breath, determined not to start sobbing again. She let it out in a loud sigh.

It didn't matter to her that she was a respected journalist and photographer. The thing that mattered to her most is what she didn't have. Jacob Dylan Ely.


	29. Chapter 29

**Chapter 29**

"Forster!" Johnny yelled at her from his office about a month later.

"Yessir," Sam poked her head in the office.

"You've been nominated," Johnny told her, trying not to smile.

"Nominated for what?" Sam wondered.

"A Pulitzer," Johnny allowed himself to smile now.

"Yeah right," Sam scoffed. "Funny, boss."

"I'm serious," Johnny said with a laugh.

Sam looked at his face, trying to gauge if he was teasing her or not.

"Honest truth," Johnny raised his hand as if taking a vow.

"Seriously?" Sam squeaked. She was so surprised, it was hard to speak.

Johnny raised his hand higher. "The editor in chief was impressed by your story about the date rape on the Davis campus he insisted we send it in for consideration."

"Wow," Sam could barely form the word.

"I told you this before, but great job," Johnny told her. "I'm proud of you Sam."

Sam bit her lip for a moment before nodding. "Thanks."

"Now go out and earn your keep," Johnny waved her away.

Sam walked back to her desk in a daze, surprised yet honored to have been nominated for the most prestigious journalist award on the planet. Her phone rang and she answered it.

"Hey," Jen greeted her.

"Hi Jen," Sam returned.

"I've got some news," Jen said.

Sam sucked in a breath.

"Jake news," she whispered. "I'm at work. Do I want to hear this now?"

"No," Jen told her.

Sam groaned, putting her hand over her eyes.

"I'll call you later when I'm home," Sam promised.

"Probably best," Jen affirmed.

"Just tell me if he's all right," Sam whispered.

"He's all right," Jen told her.

"Okay, call you later," Sam responded, hanging up.

Now that Jen had called, she wondered all day what was going on with Jake. She convinced herself that what's her name was pregnant. Just the thought of Jake making love to someone besides her made her sick to her stomach. Sick to her stomach and her heart ache.

Sam had to pull over on the side of the road. She couldn't see through her tears. She gulped in great mouthfuls of air, but she couldn't stop the whimper that escaped her lips.

She could picture him loving Dawn in her mind. Sam hated that she could. Sam hated that he was touching anyone except her.

Jake and Sam had sworn that they had found their soulmates at six and four. That he was now with someone besides Sam ate her up within. She felt the pain in her chest and let out the moan that had been building up inside of her.

A bit later she wiped her eyes. Gosh, she missed him. She had to stop this. He was marrying someone else now.

Sam drove home when she was done working and went up to her lonely apartment. She wondered if she should get herself a cat for company. Then she decided it probably wasn't a good idea if she was working so much.

Sam sighed. She put her things on the chair and sat on the bedraggled couch and pulled out her phone. Jen's news had been nagging at her all day. As much as she hated to find out what Jen was going to say, Sam knew she had to know.

"I'm home," Sam told Jen when her friend picked up her phone.

"How was your day?" Jen asked.

"Just tell me, Jen," Sam cut her off.

"He's getting married on your birthday," Jen blurted out.

Sam felt as if someone had punched her in the stomach. All her air rushed out of her.

"Breathe Sam," Jen was telling her.

Sam heard a buzzing in her ears as she tried to gasp in enough breath.

"In, out, in, out," Jen chanted, hoping it would help her friend.

"Why Jen?" Sam choked out. "Why did he choose that day of all days?"

"Maybe his fiancée picked it," Jen tried to comfort her.

"Wouldn't he say no?" Sam asked, her voice rising on a sob.

_Maybe it didn't mean anything to him anymore_, Jen thought.

"I don't know, honey," Jen said instead.

"How did you find out?" Sam had to ask.

"Mom got the invitation today," Jen murmured.

Sam tried to breathe, but she was choking. Someone had their hand around her throat and was choking the life out of her.

"Breathe Samantha," Jen sounded so far away and concerned.

"I can't," Sam sank to the floor as she fell off the couch.

"Sam!" Jen shouted at her. "You need to breathe. You knew this day was coming."

Sam's answer was a wail of Jake's name.

Jen swore at Jake Ely under her breath. She would gladly put her hands around his throat right about now and squeeze the life out of him. Jen hated that Sam was hurting so badly.


	30. Chapter 30

**Chapter 30**

"Sam," Johnny shouted from his office.

Sam rolled her eyes at those in the larger office with her and got up, heading into her editor's office.

"You know horses, right?" Johnny asked.

"Yeah," Sam drew out the word.

"There's an epidemic of something in Hawaii that's affecting horses there," Johnny was reading something on his desk. "I want to send you."

"To Hawaii?" Sam yelped.

"You're the resident horse expert," Johnny said.

_No, that would be Jake. _

"I'm not an expert," Sam shook her head. "I just owned some growing up."

"That makes you an expert compared to the rest of them," Johnny waved towards the main office.

"What is it that's happening there?" Sam asked.

"Not sure," Johnny told her. "If I knew that, we wouldn't have to send you." He grinned at her, before sobering. "Lots of horses are dying. It's up to you to figure out why."

Sam groaned to herself. She was too softhearted for this.

"I cry when horses die," Sam warned him.

"Then you'll write a great story," Johnny gave her a look.

Sam nodded, leaving his office. She gathered her things and then stopped in front of Johnny's office again.

"When am I leaving?" Sam asked.

"As soon as you're packed," Johnny didn't even look up from what he was doing.

"That soon?" Sam was surprised.

"That soon," Johnny looked up then. "Is that a problem?"

"No," Sam shook her head.

"Then why are you still here?" Johnny asked.

"I'm gone," Sam ducked out and headed towards the elevator.

She pushed the button, waiting for the car to reach her floor. Sam was going over everything she'd need to bring with her. She had gotten used to packing light and quickly. Her most important things were her camera and her laptop. Clothes she could buy.

Sam stepped into the elevator, not even noticing that anyone else was in there. She was making lists in her head. She didn't need anything heavy. It was tropical in Hawaii. Light shirts, pants, shorts, capris, sneakers and sandals. Then she smiled.

Hawaii sounded like her kind of place.

Sam opened her car and put her things in the backseat. She got in the driver's seat and started her Mustang. She still loved the car, despite the fact it reminded her of Jake. She had decided not to sell the vehicle. She would hang onto it for awhile longer.

She still sent most of her money home to River Bend. Sam kept just enough to live on. She wanted nothing extra. She needed nothing extra. The only thing she wanted or needed was getting married to another woman on her birthday.

Sam let herself wonder how Jake had reacted to getting married on that date. Would he think of her at all?

She sighed, doubting it. He probably didn't even remember her name, let alone her birthday. More than likely Jake hadn't even realized it was Sam's birthday.

Sam bit her lip as she drove up one of the hills near her apartment building. As far as Jake was concerned, she was probably dead.

Sam still felt dead deep down inside. She didn't think the deadness would ever go away.

She would love Jake Ely with every ounce of her being for the rest of her life. He, obviously, didn't feel the same. As far as he knew, she had committed the ultimate betrayal.

As far as Sam was concerned, Jake didn't need to know. He had moved on with his life and he, at least, deserved to be happy.

Sam didn't even think about whether or not she deserved to be happy too. She hadn't cheated on Jake after all. It didn't matter. He thought she had. He had broken it off with her based on erroneous information. Even Sam hadn't known at the time.

She parked her Mustang and grabbed her things, hurrying into her apartment. She still had to pack and then rush to the airport, heading to Hawaii.


	31. Chapter 31

**Chapter 31**

The first thing Sam noticed when she got off the plane in Hawaii, well besides the sun, besides the beautiful women who put a lei around her neck, was the humidity. It felt like she was in a sauna. She told Jen later that she could feel her hair drooping as soon as she disembarked from the plane.

She made her way to the car rental desk and picked up the vehicle the paper had rented for her. It was a cute sub-compact car. Not as cute as her Mustang and probably not as fast, but it was still cute and looked fun to drive.

Sam drove to the town that was having the incidents of horse deaths. When Sam had looked online, the vets weren't sure exactly yet what was causing the problem. Many mares were dropping foals too early, causing the deaths of the foals. Sam hated to even think about it.

She pulled into the hotel and parked the car. She took out her suitcase, her pink backpack and her laptop before she went and checked in.

The man behind the counter could pass for Shoshone. If this was how most men in Hawaii looked, Sam was in for some heartache. She sighed and thanked the man for her room key before heading up to her room.

Sam wanted to make some inquiries about the horses before going out to the place where the horses were sick and dying. First though, she wanted to take a nap. She was exhausted.

She dropped her things at the door, stripped out of her clothes and crawled under the sheets. They felt so cool and crisp against her skin. She shuddered. What she wouldn't give to make love to Jake again.

She missed Jake's touch. She couldn't deny it. She wouldn't deny it. She had to stop this. Jake was out of her life. He was part of someone else's life now.

How was she ever going to survive the rest of her life without him?

Sam curled into a ball, sobbing as her body throbbed for the man she loved. She had gone so long without his touch. She had gone so long without any type of love. Why now? Why now was she thinking so much of him?

Sam didn't know why now. It had been so long ago that Jake had loved her. So long. He'd never love her again and that caused her to choke on her tears.

He belonged to someone else now. Soon he would be taking vows to love and cherish someone else. The thought of that threatened to make Sam sick to her stomach.

Hawaii might be paradise, but it was hell right now for Sam.


	32. Chapter 32

**Chapter 32**

Sam did some research before going out to the farm the next day where the horses had been sick. From what she had been able to read, there had to be a problem either with the feed or possibly the horses were getting into something.

She had read about the feed recall due to contamination due to toxic substances. She had also read about mares in Kentucky eating fruit from a tree there and losing their foals.

When she pulled into the farm, she told the person at the gate she had an appointment with the barn manager. She smiled when the person let her go through.

The farm was beautiful, as most things in Hawaii were. Sam could see why Kit wanted to stay here. She could also see why the rest of the Elys would want to visit on their honeymoons.

When Sam pulled up in front of the barn, a man came out. Sam assumed he was the barn manager.

"Ms. Forster?" he asked when Sam got out. She slung her pink backpack over her shoulder.

"Yes," Sam nodded, shaking his hand.

"I'm Alan Cannon," he told her as he shook her hand.

"Nice to meet you Mr. Cannon," Sam responded. "Thank you for letting me come out and speak with you."

"Alan, please," he said. "I'm sorry but you really came out for nothing."

Sam gave him a look wondering if he was now going to deny her an interview.

"We figured it out," Alan went on.

"What did it end up being?" Sam asked.

"Come on, I'll show you," Alan headed towards one of the pastures. "You're still welcome to do your story. It might help someone else."

Alan kept up the conversation as they walked. He opened one of the gates and looked surprised when Sam closed it behind her.

"I grew up on a ranch in Nevada," Sam explained. "Open gates stay open. Closed gates get closed again."

Alan nodded with a smile. "Sure wish the help remembered that."

"It was drilled into my head as a kid," Sam smiled back.

"If the reporter thing doesn't work out, let me know," Alan told her. "I'll hire you."

"Thanks," Sam chuckled.

They arrived at another gate and Alan opened it and Sam closed it behind her.

"This is a beautiful spread," Sam looked around as they continued to walk through that pasture.

"Here it is," Alan pointed towards the ground.

Sam looked at a very small plant. It almost looked like a type of grass.

Alan went into explanation about the plant. While it looked like grass, it was really a weed. A weed which was toxic to horses. It blended in really well which is why it went unnoticed until they started having problems.

Sam took her camera out and snapped pictures while Alan talked. Then she took out a notepad and had Alan spell the name of the weed for her.

"Is this only found in Hawaii?" Sam asked.

"I think so far, it's just on Oahu," Alan told her. "I haven't seen it mentioned anywhere else."

"Lucky you," Sam broke her sarcasm with a smile.

"Yeah," Alan nodded with a smile.

"How many horses did you lose?" Sam asked.

She jotted down his answer.

"How many of those were foals?" Sam asked another question and wrote down his answer.

"So basically you've lost a whole crop of foals," Sam mused, looking at the man.

"That's about it," Alan nodded.

"I'm sorry," Sam told him.

"It might take the whole season to clean the pastures of this," Alan responded.

"Wow," Sam sympathized.

"It's a bit much to pull by hand, so we'll probably end up plowing it under," Alan went on.

Sam shook her head, looking out over all the many pastures.

"Sure I can't hire you?" Alan joked.

"I'm sure," Sam laughed softly. "Well, I think I have what I need. Thank you so much for your time."

She stuck out her hand and Alan shook it.

"If you think of it, email me and let me know how you do next year with your foals," Sam handed him her card.

"I will," Alan nodded as they started walking back.


	33. Chapter 33

**Chapter 33**

"I wrote my story and you should have it in email," Sam told Johnny.

"How'd it go?" Johnny asked her.

"Not much to it," Sam said. "They figured it out before I got here."

"So you might as well come back, huh?" Johnny stated.

"Yeah, I'm taking the first flight back to San Francisco in the morning," Sam yawned.

"All right, Sam," Johnny said. "You get some sleep and I'll see you back in the office."

"Thanks Johnny," Sam hung up. She decided she needed to charge her phone while she slept. She charged up the battery on her laptop while she was at it and crawled under the sheets.

In the morning, Sam stretched, feeling the crisp, cool sheets against her body. She turned on her side and hugged one of the pillows to her. She missed hugging Jake.

Sam sighed, remembering the smell of him. He was fresh and clean like the outdoors, with a bit of horse and denim thrown in. She couldn't remember the exact smell after years of being away from him.

She buried her head into the pillow, letting it catch her tears. Sam was tired of crying. She was surprised she had any tears left after almost two years of what seemed like constant crying.

She sighed, then got out of bed. She had a plane to catch.

Sam went in to take a shower, dressing quickly so she could make her flight. She drove the rental car back to the airport and left the billing information for the _Chronicle_.

She rushed into the airport and checked in. Sam planned on carrying on her laptop and her pink _My Little Pony_ backpack. Everything else she checked.

Sam sat and pulled her iPod out of her pink backpack. She was just putting the earbuds into her ears when she happened to see two of the attendants looking wide eyed as they whispered together.

She pulled her earbuds away from her ears, watching the two attendants. Something was definitely going on. The reporter in Sam had her curious.

She stood up slowly, nonchalantly, and made her way near the two attendants.

Sam heard the words "crash", "plane," "mechanical", "airport closed" and knew there must be a plane disabled and possibly crash landing at the airport.

"Where is this?" Sam asked the two attendants.

They ignored her.

"Listen, I'm a reporter from the _San Francisco Chronicle_ and you can either tell me or I will let everyone in this airport know about a possibly crashing plane and leave you to deal with it," Sam snapped.

The two attendants knew Sam was telling them the truth just by looking at her. They took turns informing her on what was going on.

Sam grabbed her two bags. "This is my laptop. Can you please put it behind the counter?"

One of the attendants nodded and did so. Sam tried to stay calm as she headed towards the gate that would lead to the tarmac. When someone tried to stop her, she flashed her press badge as she took a camera out of the pink backpack.

"If you go there," the person at the door told her, "you should be able to see and photograph the plane as it comes in."

"When is it due?" Sam asked.

"Any time," the person said.

Sam nodded and went to the area. She was the only person there. She smiled, hoping she'd have and exclusive.


	34. Chapter 34

**Chapter 34**

She set her camera settings and looked to the sky. Almost immediately, she saw the trail of smoke of the aircraft. Sam started snapping photographs, filling one flash card and changing to another in seconds.

As the plane got closer, she could see the flames shooting out of the engine. She filled up another flash card and switched to another.

The plane hit the runway only to seem to bounce up on the air. Sam kept her camera on the plane, shooting photos. The plane came back down and with a huge bang, the engine fell off the wing of the plane.

That seemed to throw the plane off balance and it ended up off the runway, on the grass next to it.

Sam started running towards the plane, wanting to get pictures of the emergency exiting of the passengers. Someone yelled at her, but she ignored them, finding a good spot to start taking pictures again.

The plane came to a rest, the engines still screaming. The side doors opened, the slides were inflated and she could hear the flight attendants yelling at the passengers to get out.

The ground crew rushed forward to help with the passengers. A fire truck was standing by with another already shooting foam over the burning engine.

Sam filled another flash card and switched to another. Good thing she normally had upwards of twenty of them in her bag at any given time.

Finally, within minutes all the passengers had gotten off the plane and the crew disembarked. Sam went forward to interview some of them.

They were all surprised that a member of the press was there already, but they answered her questions. Sam pulled her recorder out of one of the pockets of the pink backpack and turned it on to catch their answers.

When she felt she had gotten what she needed, she thanked them and moved on to some of the passengers. They were much more open with how scared they were. Sam recorded everything.

Things settled down a bit later once all the passengers and crew were off the tarmac and taken inside the airport terminal. Time to call Johnny.

Sam pulled her cell phone out of her backpack and turned it on. She dialed Johnny and was surprised when he picked up.

"Harris," Johnny barked into the phone.

"It's Sam," she identified herself. "I'm at the Oahu airport. A plane just landed with engine trouble. One of the engines fell off as it tried to land."

"Tell me you got shots of it," Johnny growled.

"I not only got shots, I interviewed the crew and passengers," Sam couldn't help the grin.

"Forster, I think I love you," Johnny laughed. "When can you send it?"

"I'm on the tarmac and heading into the terminal," Sam shouted as the noise increased now that the planes would be taking off and landing again.

"Get back to the hotel and get the story to me," Johnny shouted back.

"Will do," Sam confirmed, running back inside.


	35. Chapter 35

**Chapter 35**

"Forster, that was pure genius," Johnny told her the next day on the phone. "Well done and you've earned yourself a bit more time in Hawaii."

"Yeah?" Sam yawned. She had dreamt of making love to Jake last night so she didn't get a whole lot of sleep.

"You need to fly to another island though," Johnny said.

"Oh?"

"We need some fluff," Johnny told her.

"I can do fluff," Sam responded.

"Some kid on another island rescued a wild horse from Nevada," Johnny went on.

Sam sat up in bed. "Really? Where from in Nevada?"

"I don't know," Johnny laughed. "That's what you need to find out."

"Okay," Sam nodded even though Johnny couldn't see her. "What island?"

"Not the main island," Johnny said. He named one that Sam had never heard of. "There will be a puddle jumper waiting for you at Honolulu."

"What's a puddle jumper?" Sam had to ask.

"A small plane," Johnny answered.

"How small?" Sam shuddered.

"Deal with it, Sam," Johnny told her. "Either that or come home on the big jumbo jet."

"I'll deal with it," Sam said.

"I thought you might," Johnny laughed. "Fluff me a story and send it when you're done."

"Okay," Sam told him and hung up.

She got ready to leave, taking a shower and pulling her hair back into a braid. It was so humid here it was just best to pull it back rather than fight with it. Sam noticed when she was braiding her hair that there was a bit of a shine to it again.

Since finding out she hadn't actually betrayed Jake's trust, she had felt a bit better about herself. She ate a little more than she had been and took a bit better care of herself.

She still vowed never to date or be with another man since she only wanted Jake. She still cried over him a lot, but maybe not as often. When she did, it was just as intense as before. She missed him terribly and wished she could see him again.

That was impossible. He was getting married in about a week.

That thought stilled Sam and she looked at herself in the mirror. She blinked quickly, trying to keep the tears from spilling out of her eyes and trailing down her cheeks.

It didn't work.

She couldn't stand to think of Jake marrying someone else besides her. They were soulmates, weren't they? They had been together for sixteen years. Only for the past two years had they been apart.

Jake was as much a part of her as her arm. She felt like half a person without him. Sometimes she wondered how she would survive the rest of her life without him. Would she?

Sam still felt at times like her life wasn't worth living. She didn't think she'd actually seek to end her worthless life, but she wouldn't go out of her way to keep it either.

She wondered if a bus was thundering towards her if she'd jump out of the way or stand there and let it hit her. She thought she'd let it hit her. If Jake didn't love her, then there was no reason to jump out of the way.

Yes, she had a good career, but it wasn't the same. The career had always been secondary to her love for Jake. She had just wanted to be his wife and the mother of his children. Now there would be someone else being that for him.

The tears gushed down her cheeks now and Sam did nothing to stop them. She let them fall, standing in front of the mirror and watching as they dripped off her chin.

_I love you Jake! I wish you all the best in your marriage, but I still love you. I'll love you and miss you for the rest of my life._


	36. Chapter 36

**Chapter 36**

Sam groaned as she took the few steps from the plane and stood on the tarmac. It had been a bumpy flight. Though she hadn't vomited, she had heard plenty of retching in the plane.

She put her pink backpack more comfortably over her shoulder. Her hand grasped her laptop and she went towards the small terminal to pick up her suitcase and then get her rental car.

Sam grabbed her suitcase then made her way to the rental counter.

"Hi, I'm Samantha Forster," Sam introduced herself to the man behind the counter. "I have a car reserved."

"Spell your last name for me, please?" the man asked.

Sam did so.

"Nope, don't have anything under that name," the man told her.

"Check San Francisco Chronicle," Sam suggested.

The man looked up at her before tapping on the keys of his computer.

"Ah here it is," the man nodded. "There's a problem though."

Sam groaned.

"What problem?" she asked.

"The vehicle we were going to give you hasn't been returned yet," the man informed her.

"So I don't have a car?" Sam wondered.

"No," the man shook his head. "We can bump you up to the next class of vehicle. We have one left."

"At what cost?" Sam asked.

"No extra cost," the man said.

"Okay, as long as it has air conditioning," Sam responded.

The man laughed.

Sam tilted her head at him. She hadn't been joking.

The man tapped away at his keyboard, asking to see Sam's driver's license. She took it out and he put the information into the computer, then handed Sam back her license.

"Okay, you're all set," the man held out a set of keys. "Your vehicle is out in the lot in slot two A."

"Two A," Sam repeated, thanking the man and grabbing her things.

She blinked in the bright sunshine and tried to find slot two A. Sam spied her vehicle and her jaw dropped.

"Oh, you have got to be kidding," Sam yelped.

The vehicle in slot two A was a navy blue Avalanche.

Sam was standing in the parking lot, shaking her head violently. So violently her braid whipped back and forth over her shoulder.

"No, no, no," Sam shouted, turning back towards the building.

"I can't take that truck," Sam rushed up to the man behind the counter.

"Is something wrong with it?" the man asked.

"No, I…," Sam broke off.

How could she explain to someone that even looking at that truck brought back all the pain from the past few years? She couldn't.

"Do you have anything else I can drive?" Sam wondered.

"No, ma'am," the man shook his head. "That's the last vehicle we have. If you don't want it, then you'll have to walk."

Sam swore under her breath, then blushed as the man looked at her. She was just going to have to drive that Avalanche. Could she without thinking of Jake?

Ha! She knew the answer to that. No way in the world could she drive that truck and not think of Jake.

Just when she didn't want to be thinking about Jake, she'd be thinking of him and his darn wedding the whole time. Sam sighed.

"Okay, thanks," she told the man and went back outside. She stood in front of the truck and let her eyes roam over the lines of the truck. It was almost identical to the one Jake drove.

The next few days were going to suck for her.


	37. Chapter 37

**Chapter 37**

Sam looked at the piece of paper with the address of this ranch on it. She had checked into her hotel room and rested before making an appointment to come out and interview the girl about the wild Nevada horse the next morning.

Driving the Avalanche drove home to Sam that Jake was out of her life. She missed seeing him. She missed seeing him pull into River Bend in his Avalanche to see her.

She had sat in the truck this morning and let her tears come. She ended up putting her forehead on her hands as they clutched the steering wheel and sobbed his name.

"Jake, oh Jake," Sam wailed out his name. She missed him so much. It would be her birthday in less than a week. Jake would be marrying another woman in less than a week.

How was she ever going to survive this?

Now she stared over the edge of a cliff. It would be so easy to punch her foot onto the accelerator and fly. She'd never have to worry about seeing Jake with his wife if she did.

Her foot hovered over the accelerator, tempted. Then her Gram's face flashed before her eyes. Sam couldn't do it. It went back to not looking for death, but not walking away either.

Sam sighed and turned the corner following the directions she had gotten off the Internet. If a Mack truck came towards her, she might not swerve, but she couldn't do a _Thelma and Louise_.

She finally came to a gate which announced the ranch she was looking for. Sam turned in, driving up the long drive. She saw pastures in the woods on each side of the drive before coming to a large house.

She parked the truck and was surrounded by a group of Australian Shepherds. The dogs barked at her, announcing her arrival.

"Hi guys," Sam said out the open window.

The dogs were wagging their tails, so Sam knew they were just doing their job and not actually wanting to harm her.

She opened the Avalanche door and stepped out, slinging her pink _My Little Pony_ backpack over her shoulder. A couple of the dogs jumped on her and she eased them off of her.

"Stay down now," Sam told them.

"You dogs get down," she heard a stern male voice behind her.

Sam turned to see a man who looked to be her father's age approaching her.

"You must be Samantha Forster," the man smiled.

"Yes, sir," Sam held out her hand.

"I'm Jonah," the man told her. "I own his place."

"Nice to meet you," Sam smiled as they shook hands.

"You actually want to be talking to my granddaughter Darby," Jonah told her. "She's the one who owns the mustang."

"I used to own a Nevada mustang," Sam said.

"Then you and Darby will be getting along just fine," Jonah smiled. "Here she is."

Sam turned and saw a girl a few years younger than herself, approaching. With her was a black haired child. Sam gasped, her hand coming up over her heart.

The little boy looked identical to what Sam always thought her and Jake's son would look like. She bit her lip, trying to keep the emotions away.

"Darby, this is Samantha," Jonah introduced them.

"Sam," Sam told Darby as they shook hands.

"Sam used to own a Nevada mustang too," Jonah told his granddaughter.

"They're the best," Darby smiled.

"Yes they are," Sam's eyes flicked to the little boy.

"Oh, this is Lucas," Darby introduced the young boy. "He's the son of our foreman."

"Hi Lucas," Sam squatted down and stuck out her hand. "I'm Sam."

"Hi Sam," Lucas smiled and shook Sam's hand.

Sam stood up and dropped her pen. She bent over to pick it up.

"Get away from my son!"

Sam heard the angry voice behind her.

Confused, she stood up and looked over her shoulder. Right into the furious eyes of Kit Ely.


	38. Chapter 38

**Chapter 38**

Kit had come in from one of the pastures. He saw the navy blue Avalanche and stood looking at it for a few moments.

"What's wrong Kit?" Cade, the young cowhand who worked with him asked.

"My brother used to have one like this," Kit looked like he had seen a ghost. "He sold it after the girl he was engaged to cheated on him."

"Wow, that sucks," Cade murmured.

"Tore Jakey's heart out," Kit was still staring at the truck. He shook himself.

"Must belong to the reporter that's coming out to talk to Darby," Cade said.

"Must," Kit nodded.

The two men kept walking towards the main house. As they came up a hill, they saw a woman with a braid down her back squatting in front of Kit's son Lucas, shaking his hand.

Kit frowned, seeing the reddish-brown hair. The pink backpack was hard to miss and it reminded Kit of the one Sam used to carry as a kid.

When the woman bent over to pick up her pen, Kit's breath rushed out of him. He knew that butt. Kit had seen it a thousand times while playing football.

My gosh, it was Samantha! Sam who had betrayed his little brother. The hatred flowed through his body.

"Get away from my son," Kit's voice was a growl.

Sam turned, her confused eyes meeting his angry ones.

Kit saw the realization on Sam's face that he was there. She took a step back from his anger.

"Kit?" Jonah raised his eyebrows at his ranch foreman. "This is the reporter here to interview Darby about her mustang."

Kit and Sam squared off. Kit's eyes shot venom at her. Sam's eyes registered her shock and confusion. It looked as if she were about to run off. As if she wanted to run off. To be anywhere but here facing Kit.

"I knew this_ reporter_ from back home," Kit explained.

"Is there going to be a problem?" Jonah looked between Kit and Sam.

"Not as long as I don't have to speak to her," Kit's eyes narrowed. "I have nothing to say to this woman."

Sam felt everyone's gazes on her, yet she couldn't say anything. She was afraid if she opened her mouth she would start babbling. Or start screaming. What were the chances that she would end up where Kit was?

Darn, she knew driving that Avalanche was going to be bad luck. She should have done the _Thelma and Louise_ off the cliff.

Kit became blurry as Sam looked at him. She knew she had tears in her eyes.

"Daddy, why is she crying?" Lucas asked.

_Lucas_. He was obviously named after his grandfather. He _was_ what she and Jake's son would have looked like.

"I'm sorry," Sam waved her hand in front of her face. "I forgot something in the truck."

She ran for the truck like her hair was on fire.

They heard her sobbing as she ran.

"You better have a good excuse for this, Kit," Jonah told his foreman.

"She was engaged to my brother Jake," Kit informed his employer. "Then she cheated on him. She broke his heart."

"This is the same brother who is getting married this week?" Jonah asked.

"Yes," Kit nodded. He looked down at his son who looked as if he were trying to make sense of what father was saying.

"If you can't be pleasant, maybe you need to avoid her while she's here," Jonah suggested.

Darby was staring towards the blue truck where Sam was leaning against the far side of the truck and sobbing. She watched as the back of Sam's head disappeared. She had obviously slid down the truck to sit on the ground as she cried.


	39. Chapter 39

**Chapter 39**

"Are you okay?" Sam heard Darby's voice. She was sitting in the dirt as she cried.

Sam tried wiping away her tears, but they just kept coming.

"I'm fine," Sam managed. "I'm just surprised to see Kit."

"You two know each other from Nevada?" Darby asked.

Sam nodded. "He's always been my big brother."

She looked up to see the surprise on Darby's face.

"Hard to believe since he hates me so much now, huh?" Sam choked on a laugh.

"Want to talk about it?" Darby asked, sitting next to Sam in the dirt, leaning her back against the blue truck. "He said you cheated on his brother."

At first Darby didn't think Sam was going to answer. Sam seem to look everywhere except at Darby. Finally, Sam glanced at Darby out of the corner of her eyes.

"I thought I did," Sam confessed.

"You _thought_ you did?" Darby looked confused.

Sam nodded. "I found out recently that I had been drugged with a date rape drug."

"Oh my gosh," Darby put her hand over her mouth in shock. "You should tell Kit."

Sam shook her head vehemently. "No! His brother found love again and is getting married. I couldn't hurt him anymore."

Darby looked at Sam. She didn't know what to make of this reporter person. Was she actually so unselfish as to not clear her name so the man she used to love could be happy?

"Do you still love him?" Darby asked.

Sam snorted.

"As much now as I did when it happened," Sam confessed. She wiped her eyes with her sleeve. "If not more."

"I still think you should tell Kit," Darby told her.

"No," Sam shook her head again. "You can't tell him either." She looked at the woman next to her.

"I won't," Darby agreed.

"Are you in college?" Sam asked.

"This fall," Darby answered.

"Never accept a drink from someone, okay?" Sam raised her eye brows.

"Okay," Darby was amazed at Sam. She was in so much pain, yet she still warned Darby about what to be careful of.

"Tell me about your mustang," Sam sniffled.

Darby launched into the story of her mustang. Sam nodded, encouraging her to talk. She decided this was the strangest interview she had ever done, sitting in the dirt, leaning against a truck and trying not to cry.

"Do you mind if I turn on my recorder?" Sam asked, her voice rough from the crying.

"No," Darby shook her head.

Sam did and the two of them continued to talk about Darby's mustang. When Sam was able, they stood up and walked down to the pasture to see the horse.

"I love your backpack," Darby laughed.

"I used it when I was a kid," Sam explained. "Now it's my camera bag."

Sam stopped as the filly came into view.

"Oh, she's gorgeous," Sam mused, a soft smile on her face.

"Thanks," Darby smiled. "Her name is Hoku. It means Star in Hawaiian."

"Perfect," Sam nodded, taking photos of the sorrel filly.

"She reminds me of my horse's dam," Sam said. "I had a horse that escaped after an accident when I was twelve."

"Wow, and you never found him?" Darby asked.

"Oh yes, I did," Sam told her. "I wanted him wild. My dad sent me to San Francisco for two years to recover from head injuries. By the time I returned home, he was already a herd stallion nearby."

"You have to be the most unselfish person I've ever met," Darby responded. "First you don't want Kit to know you didn't cheat on his brother and now you tell me you gave up your horse because he was a herd stallion."

Sam blushed but shrugged.

Darby was looking at her with renewed respect. Almost calculatingly so.

They continued with the interview until Sam thought she had gotten everything she needed.

"How long are you staying in Hawaii?" Darby asked.

"I'm not sure," Sam said honestly.

"Do you want to come back tomorrow and go for a ride?" Darby wondered.

"Oh, I don't know about that," Sam seemed to shrink in front of her. She glanced back towards the place where they had seen Kit last, still glaring at Sam.

"Riding in the sunrise in Hawaii is like nothing else," Darby enticed.

"I haven't ridden in years," Sam confessed with a self-depreciating laugh. "Not since I, uh…left home two years ago."

"You haven't been back to Nevada since then?" Darby asked.

Sam shook her head. "I couldn't see Jake." Sam's eyes teared up again and she tried to blink them away rapidly.

Darby's heart broke for this woman.

"Come back in the morning and we'll ride," Darby encouraged.

Sam looked out over the pastures. Darby let her, not saying anything.

"Are you sure it won't cause any problems?" Sam finally glanced over at Darby.

"I'm sure," Darby told her. "Kit won't say anything. He likes it here. He married a local girl after all."

"Cricket," Sam sighed.

"You know Cricket?" Darby was surprised.

"Yes," Sam nodded.

"She owns a store close by," Darby told her. "She's a great person."

"Yes, she is," Sam murmured.

"Will you come tomorrow morning, say at five?" Darby asked.

Sam sighed again. _This was probably a really bad idea, but she would love to ride again._

Finally, Sam nodded.

"Great," Darby told her. "You won't be sorry."


	40. Chapter 40

**Chapter 40**

"She told you that?" Cricket was stunned as she listened to Darby.

Darby had come into the store just before closing time telling Cricket she just had to talk to her. Darby had then poured out Sam's story to Cricket.

Darby had promised Sam not to tell Kit, and she wasn't. With the hatred that Kit had for Sam, to Darby is was important that at least some of the family knew that Sam hadn't really cheated on Kit's brother.

Now though, Darby nodded in answer to Cricket's question.

"She was drugged," Darby told her.

"Date rape," Cricket murmured. "That poor thing. She had to carry that guilt around with her all this time."

"Will you tell Kit?" Darby wondered.

"I think I have to," Cricket looked at the younger woman. "They hate what she did to Jake. It won't change anything, more than likely with Jake, but I think the rest of them need to know.

"My gosh, I don't think she's been home or hardly talked to her family since it happened."

"No, she mentioned he hadn't been back to Nevada," Darby said. "She said she couldn't see Jake."

"I imagine," Cricket murmured. "It would kill me if it had been me and it happened between Kit and me. Poor Sam.

"I've always liked her and it was obvious to everyone how much she loved Jake. When this happened, it just didn't make any sense to me. Why would she betray him when she loved him so much?

"Some of the others thought she had gotten drunk and didn't know what she was doing."

"Instead she was drugged and raped," Darby mused. "She warned me about taking drinks from anyone."

Cricket looked at the younger woman and shook her head sadly. She was determined to tell Kit the truth. Maybe even Jake when they went back to Nevada for his wedding.

Jake! My gosh, how could Sam just sit back and let him marry someone else when she actually hadn't done anything wrong? Cricket didn't think she'd be able to do it.

"So will you come?" Darby asked.

"You bet," Cricket nodded. "I will be there at five. I can't ride because of the baby, but I can still see her and talk to her." Cricket rubbed her rounding belly.

"Great," Darby smiled. She didn't know why she liked Sam so much, she just knew she did.

"It will be good to see her again," Cricket went on. "I feel the need to hug her."

Darby nodded in agreement. Sam was so strong to go through so much and yet not want to disrupt Jake's life with the truth.

Cricket was waiting for her husband when he came home from the ranch that night.

"Hey sweetheart," Kit kissed her when he came in the door.

"I hear Sam is here and you treated her like crap," Cricket told him.

Kit's face registered his surprise. Then he got defensive.

"She cheated on my little brother," he growled. "Have you forgotten that?"

"No, she didn't," Cricket flung at him.

"What?" Kit yelped. "How can you say that?"

"She was drugged with a date rape drug and then raped," Cricket said. "She didn't knowingly betray Jake."

"What?"

Cricket explained what Sam had told Darby.

"Why didn't she tell Jakey that?" Kit wondered.

"By the time she found out, Jake was engaged to Dawn," Cricket pointed out. "She loved him so much, that she wanted him to be happy. So she kept the news to herself, even though you and the rest of the family would hate her forever."

"My gosh," Kit looked tortured.

"That about sums it up," Cricket said.

"All this time," Kit shook his head. "It was hard seeing her today. She's driving the identical truck that Jake bought years ago to remind him of her. Did you know that?"

Cricket shook her head.

"I saw her talking to Lucas and I just couldn't believe it," Kit went on. "She has the same backpack she had as a kid.

"She's changed though. She's thinner and her eyes are haunted. Like she hasn't had a decent night's sleep in years."

"She probably hasn't," Cricket said. "She loved your brother a lot. It has to kill her to know he's marrying someone else."

"On her birthday," Kit murmured.

"Oh my gosh," Cricket's eyes teared up. "That would kill me, Kit. It has to be eating her up."

"Then I said the things I said," Kit shook his head.

"Would you mind if I invited her to dinner tomorrow night?" Cricket wondered.

Kit's eyes met those of his wife. Would he mind?

Heck yes, he would have minded thirty minutes ago. Now though, he felt nothing but sympathy for the girl he had always thought would end up marrying his little brother. The girl he had always considered his little sister.

"I think it's the least we can do," Kit told his wife, taking her in his arms and kissing her.


	41. Chapter 41

**Chapter 41**

The next morning Sam pulled into the Hawaiian ranch just before sunrise. She had never been much of a morning person, but since working at the _Chronicle_, she had learned to get up early and actually be able to function.

She parked the navy Avalanche among the other ranch vehicles. She still hated to drive the truck.

After seeing Kit yesterday, Sam had gone back to her hotel room and collapsed into misery. She had cried great buckets of tears. It had been awhile since she had such a breakdown. Seeing Kit had brought it all back. Seeing his hatred for her had brought it all back to her. The whole family, including Jake, must hate her so much.

She had sobbed for hours, curling up into a ball, gasping for breath as she let out her despair.

When she had no tears left to cry, she had gulped out great sobs of sorrow. She couldn't breathe and thought for sure she was going to die. Sam had wished to die. She wasn't sure she could survive this breaking of her heart yet again.

Finally spent, she had hugged the pillow. She lay as still as death, not sure she was really alive. She couldn't be alive, could she? Yes, she was alive. The aching in her heart proved it. After all these years, nothing had changed.

She was still without Jake. He loved someone else. She had been exonerated, but she still had lost. She had lost everything.

Sam didn't remember sleeping, but she had started when her alarm had gone off that morning. She had been so exhausted after crying that she must have drifted off.

She got up to take a shower and was shocked at her reflection. She looked like hell again. Sam sighed. There wasn't much she could do about it. She felt like hell again.

When would the aching in her heart stop?

Sam got out of the truck and squealed when someone touched her elbow. Whirling, she saw Darby. However, it was the woman standing behind Darby that captured Sam's attention.

Sam started to shake at seeing Cricket standing there with Darby. She couldn't take more Ely hatred today. Didn't they know how fragile she was?

Her bottom lip trembled. Then she saw Kit standing behind Cricket and Sam whimpered in distress. She saw the black dots closing in on her and she wobbled on her feet.

"Sam!" Cricket stepped forward to grip her arms, shaking her a little bit.

"No, please," Sam pleaded. "I can't take anymore of your hatred."

As she started to collapse, Kit rushed up and picked her up to ease her gently to the ground.

"We don't hate you, Sam," Cricket murmured to her, pressing a hand to Sam's forehead.

Sam's eyes flew to meet Kit's. Instead of the hatred she had seen yesterday, she saw affection.

Sam's eyes rolled back into her head. This had to be a hallucination. Was she still dreaming?

"Stay with us, Sammy," Kit told her, patting her face.

Sam's eyes met his again and they all could see the confusion.

"My gosh, she's so thin," Cricket said. "No wonder she's feeling faint."

"Is she all right?" Darby asked. "Maybe I should get Aunty Cathy?"

"Give her a second," Kit told Darby. He turned to look at Sam again. "Sammy, are you all right?"

"Why do you care?" Sam had to ask. "You hate me."

"I did, yes," Kit admitted.

Sam was startled at the past tense.


	42. Chapter 42

**Chapter 42**

"Let's get you up and feeling better before I explain," Kit said, helping Sam to her feet and steadying her when she swayed.

"I'll take her to the bunkhouse," Kit said. Sam felt herself picked up again and being carried.

"Here, sit here," Kit told her a few minutes later, putting her down into a chair.

Sam's eyes never left his.

"Darby told me," Cricket said to Sam.

Sam's eyes flicked to Cricket's. She moaned, putting her head in her hands.

"You should have told us," Kit's voice was soft. "Sammy, you should have told us."

"How could I?" Sam retorted. "He's moved on and loves someone else. Do you think I could hurt him any more?"

Kit was surprised at the harshness of her voice. He was also surprised at the strength of wanting to keep Jake from any more hurt.

"You love him?" Kit had to ask.

"I've never stopped," Sam turned away, not wanting him to see just how much she still loved his youngest brother. Kit saw it anyway.

His eyes met Cricket's. Kit could see the tears in his wife's eyes.

"Do you need anything, Sam?" Darby asked.

_Just Jake._

"No, thank you," she said instead.

Cricket met Darby's eyes and Darby nodded. She saw that Cricket wanted some privacy. Darby moved away from the door and went up to the main house.

Cricket jerked her head at Kit. Kit understood and made some excuse about needing to work, leaving the two women alone.

Cricket put her arms around Sam and Sam sighed and leaned into the other woman. Cricket smoothed her hand over the back of Sam's head and Sam started bawling.

"There, there," Cricket soothed the young woman.

"I didn't want anyone to know," Sam whimpered.

"Why not?" Cricket wondered.

"I didn't want to hurt Jake any more," Sam managed to choke out between sobs.

"He should know," Cricket told her.

Sam shook her head.

Cricket sighed. "I have to be honest with you, I doubt if his knowing would make a difference in how he feels about Dawn."

Sam felt as if someone had stabbed her in the heart.

"I want him to be happy," Sam stated.

"He seems happy," Cricket murmured.

Sam nodded, happy for him but unhappy for herself.

"We're leaving in a couple of days to go back to Nevada," Cricket informed her.

"I'll be back in San Francisco," Sam sniffled.

"Why don't you stay here for a few extra days," Cricket said. "Relax at our home."

Sam shook her head. "I need to get back."

"Why?" Cricket asked. "You don't get vacation?"

"I've never taken a vacation," Sam admitted.

"Then take one now," Cricket told her. "Come here and ride with Darby."

"I don't know," Sam sighed. "I need to work."

"Then work at my store," Cricket offered. "The gal who was supposed to take care of it while we're gone can't now. I'd rather not close it while we're gone."

Sam met the Cricket's eyes. Cricket smiled softly at her, encouraging her.

"You need some down time," Cricket said quietly. "You've had a stressful couple of years. I've read some of your stories. You're really good. The latest one with the plane was compelling."

"I don't know," Sam sighed again.

"You'd be doing me a huge favor," Cricket went on.

"Okay," Sam murmured as she nodded.

"Great," Cricket smiled. "You can stay in our home too if you want."

Sam shook her head vehemently. "No, I can't. I'm fine at the hotel."

The two women's eyes met.

Cricket saw the determination in Sam's eyes and backed off, nodding.

"Okay, but you'll have dinner with us tonight and I'll take you over to the store later and show you around," Cricket said.


	43. Chapter 43

**Chapter 43**

_This had been a bad idea_, Sam thought to herself. She was working Cricket's feed store while Cricket and Kit along with their son Lucas had gone back to Nevada for Jake's wedding.

Sam was happy that Kit and Cricket had forgiven her for hurting Jake the way she had. They believed that she had been drugged and then date raped by Craig.

Sam had asked Kit if he wanted her to give back Jingles, her stuffed horse. He at first had been surprised that she still had it and prized it, but then he had told her that he wanted her to keep it.

"I won it for you all those years ago," Kit had said.

Sam had hugged Jake's brother, not being able to help the tears that had welled up in her eyes.

She still wasn't comfortable being in charge of Cricket's store. Most of the time she sold feed and some hay. She used a calculator to total up what was owed, since math had never been one of her strong suits.

Sam was happy she made her living taking photographs and not working retail. She liked meeting the Hawaiian people that Cricket's store served, but there was a lot of responsibility also.

At times it was boring when there wasn't anyone in the store. That's when Sam usually sat or restocked.

Today though, Sam was on edge. It was her twenty second birthday and Jake was getting married. To someone else besides her. Sam was on the edge of tears since awakening this day.

Jake would be lost to her forever.

She had cried off and on most of the day. Thankfully she was able to cope when there were customers. They kept her busy and her mind off of Jake marrying Dawn.

Her phone rang and she saw it was Jen. Sam shut off her phone without answering it. She didn't want to hear how the wedding was. She wanted to forget that the love of her life was marrying someone else.

Yes, she wanted him happy but she wanted him happy with _her_, not Dawn. That wasn't going to happen. According to her calculations, it was seven o'clock in Nevada. Jake would be married by now.

The pain was intense as that realization hit her. Oh gosh, he was lost to her forever!

Sam quickly shut the door to the store and flipped the sign on the door to _Closed_. Then she ran behind the counter and sank to her knees.

Her sorrow echoed off the walls of the store as Sam let loose with her grief. Her life was truly over now. Jake now had a wife and it wasn't her.

"Oh Jake," Sam wailed. "Oh Jake."

She chanted his name over and over as she knelt on the floor. Tears ran from her eyes, spittle spilled from her mouth. Her mouth was wide open as she wept.

Sam couldn't breathe. Her hands clutched her throat, trying to gasp out a breath.

He was gone, he was gone. He was as gone from her as if he had died.

At that moment Sam decided she didn't want to live without him. She saw the small knife they used to cut open boxes and grabbed it. Without a second thought, she raked it over her wrist.

She watched the blood ooze out as she hissed at the pain. _Why wasn't it spurting? Wasn't it supposed to spurt out?_

_Gosh that hurt!_

Sam dropped the knife and clutched her wrist with her other hand. The blood still oozed and Sam knew she wasn't going to die this day. At least not from slashing her wrist.

"Oh Jake," Sam sobbed out his name. "I can't even kill myself properly."

She held her wrist in her lap as she cried out in misery.

Jake was gone. Jake was married. He would never love her again.

The finality of that crushed her.


	44. Chapter 44

**Chapter 44**

A day later Sam moved about the store like a robot. She was packed and ready to go. As soon as Kit and Cricket returned she was leaving and running back to San Francisco.

The navy blue Avalanche was parked out front, all of her things locked inside.

She paced behind the counter, waiting on customers when there were some. Then she went back to pacing. Back and forth she walked behind the counter.

Sam found out there were five steps to the right before she would have to turn and walk five steps back to the left. One, two, three, four, five, turn, one, two, three, four, five.

The bell rang over the door and Sam turned to look. It was Darby and her grandfather Jonah.

"How are you Sam?" Darby asked, her eyes full of concern.

"Fine," Sam lied.

Jonah's look told her otherwise.

Sam knew she looked a mess. She had been crying for twenty four hours straight. She didn't get any sleep last night.

"Can I help you?" Sam asked.

"We need some feed," Jonah told her. "Cricket usually mixes it up for us. The Cremellos we have won't really eat anything else."

"Do you know what goes in it?" Sam wondered.

"Just about," Jonah said.

Sam turned towards the shelves behind the counter. On these shelves were Cricket's books with all her recipes for various grains, bottles, containers and various other supplies.

"Let's find it," Sam said, pulling one of the books from a shelf.

She leafed through it and found what Jonah needed. Between the three of them they mixed up the recipe for the feed.

Jonah carried the heavy bags out to his truck while Darby stayed in the store with Sam.

"I'm sorry, Sam," Darby murmured.

Sam shook her head, fighting her tears.

Darby's eyes also filled with tears and the two hugged.

"Call me if you need anything," Darby told her when Jonah knocked on the window.

"I will," Sam said, knowing that she wouldn't.

Darby nodded and with a small wave, headed out.

"Good bye Darby," Sam whispered as the door shut behind her.

Hours passed before Sam finally saw Kit's truck pull up. It was almost closing time for the store.

Sam was bouncing up and down on the balls of her feet, impatient to be gone. She didn't want to hear how beautiful the wedding was. She didn't want to hear how much fun the reception had been.

She tilted her head at seeing the head of black hair behind Kit. It took her a moment before realization set in.

Oh gosh, what a fool she had been!

The Elys always came back with Kit and Cricket for their honeymoons. Jake was out there! Jake was out there with his new wife!

Sam's body started to shake as she clapped a hand over her mouth. She had to keep the screaming inside. Even with her hand covering her mouth, sounds escaped.

She watched as Jake looked at the blue truck, then almost as if it were in slow motion, he turned to look into the store.

Oh my gosh, he was even more handsome than she remembered, if that were possible. His eyes seemed to lock with hers, from what she could see through her tears.

"No," she screamed, not even realizing she was screaming. "No! No!"

She saw the concern on Jake's face before he, Kit and Cricket rushed through the door.

"No, no, no!" Sam continued to scream as she backed up.

She crashed into the shelves behind the counter.

"Sam!" she heard Jake's voice yell as she fell, the contents of the shelves falling on top of her.

"Brat," Jake shouted just as some cans crashed down, hitting her in the head.

"No," Sam whispered, welcoming the enveloping blackness as it claimed her.

© 2009 – LB

Characters © Terri Farley


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